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gdhirsh

My Husband Won"t "let" Me?

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I am not here to start a fight....I have a real question about people who say their husband/wife won't LET them do something.

Not just here but IRL too.

What is up with that? My husband and I have a great relationship and everything is discussed, whether it be a trip, a purchase, or a trip to the doctor.

He doesn't WANT another dog right now but if I were to bring home a rescue he would not...not let me.

If he were to buy a new shotgun altho he doesn't need one, I wouldn't not let him.

I know there are controling people in this world....I was married to one once, [ key words WAS & ONCE].

Granted I will not do anything that hubby is adamantly against such as having 3 more horses on 14 acres.... [Crazy] but the small stuff?

Its not a big deal IMO.

I knew a woman once whos husband wouldn't LET her go see her sick father. She didn't go and her father died. Shes still married to the jerk too, last I heard anyway.

To me that is just wrong and deserves the ol rolling pin upside the head. For both of them.

What do you guys think?

I gotta leave for awhile but i'll be back later this evenin.

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I think there's a big difference between being respectful of each others' wishes and the family budget (IE: hubby doesn't want me to bring home another horse, dog, etc) and someone being outright controlling.

That said, I have a friend who...during her first marriage...was real big on this "giving herself over to her husband" thing. Being compliant. I thought it was total bunk. And so did she eventually...when she found out he was sleeping with a coworker while he was "making" her stay home and not see her own friends. Weird how that happens, eh?

Anyway...me personally? There have been two times where a guy has told me "you may not" and it related to 1) moving my horses down to TX 2) getting a dog.

In both cases, I did what I wanted to do. 1) Brought my horses down. 2) got my dog. And funny, I still have them but not him.

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Unfortunately I am married to one of those "He won't let me" types.

For the most part unless I am specially told I can't, I go about & do my own thing, but I also know better than to try to bring home a dog or when I added a new horse, I gave him warning first.

but there are some things I just don't feel are worth the battle. He has a terrible temper and the kids & I just steer clear as much as possible and avoid issues.

That sounds really pathetic huh?

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We had this discussion when we were first married, 43 yrs ago. I told him he had better not ever tell me that I couldn't drive his car. Now, he might say the tires are bad and I wish you wouldn't or something on that order, but not that I can't.

He knows that the sure fire way for me to do something is tell me I can't.

No, that stuff just doesn't go around here... for either one of us. Oh, and BTW, we are both Scorpios.

Edited by Becaco

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It wouldn't fly in my relationship.

I have run across people who claim their spouse won't let them do things, when in actuallity, they just don't want to do it... and the spouse is getting the blame for it.

I take the "XXXXX says I can't" with a grain of salt. There are many reasons NOT to do things... I think that in most cases (not all) the whole 'he won't let me' statement has a LOT more to it than what it may seem on the surface.

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Oh, and BTW, we are both Scorpios.

hah! fireworks!

I think for the most part I tend to be selfish, and do things that aren't necessarily the right thing. To that end, having a hypothetical SO or husband who tries to keep me in line a little bit might not be a horrible thing- provided it wasn't about "letting" me do things, and more about "is this the right thing right now?"

There does have to be some give and take, and some compromise. But the "not letting" stuff? Never did like that.

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You know I find myself saying that my husband won't let me yet that is not the case. The problem is that usually I have fought the battle before and lost. So in conclusion I would rather not have to come up with a better argument than just give in.

Makes me weak in some eyes, yet I'd rather win a bigger battle later. They add up you know. Give and take. Some times you gotta give a lot of little things up for a bigger thing later. That is how I look at it.

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I can't imagine being told I "can't" do something. But, I also can't imagine telling my husband he "can't" do something either.

But we know each other well enough that we know what might be issues with each other, and we'll discuss WHY we feel the way we do. If he can give a good reason for not doing something, I might respect that... but if he's telling me "no" just for the sake of telling me what to do... that's not going to work, LOL.

We avoid a lot of problems by keeping our $$$ separate, so he can spend as he wishes, and I can too. This doesn't work for everyone, but for us it is easiest.

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That wouldn't fly in my marriage. I tend to be the decision maker in general, but then again most of our decisions are financial at this point in time. No we cannot buy this new car/truck, etc. The thing is though it's still a balance and a joint decision. As I am the breadwinner though my decision tends to be final...

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We had this discussion when we were first married, 43 yrs ago. I told him he had better not ever tell me that I couldn't drive his car. Now, he might say the tires are bad and I wish you wouldn't or something on that order, but not that I can't.

He knows that the sure fire way for me to do something is tell me I can't.

No, that stuff just doesn't go around here... for either one of us. Oh, and BTW, we are both Scorpios.

hubby and i are both scorpios too... i think it takes one to live with one.

we have a very mutual and respectful relationship for the most part. the word "cant" is just never said in this connection.

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I totally don't understand putting up with being told you can't do something. I just don't get it. People who are married are adults, you don't ask for permission to do simple things. :confused0024: So would never work with me. My husband knows better than to even try.

But I do think you have to respect your partner and not make major decisions, that will affect both of you, without letting them know. That's a whole other story.

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Personally, if I was going to blame a refusal to accept an invite on my hubby, I wouldn't say that he "won't let me". Rather I would say that he has asked me not to or that we had plans.

I don't get the "can't/let" statements in marriage unless it's something that will affect both parties.. like my hubby shouldn't care that I go out and buy something for my horses unless it's a large purchase, personally we have a $200 agreement that anything over $200 requires agreement on both parts. With the economy as it is I think we need to renegotiate though.... [Question]

Marriage is all about give and take, I don't think it's marriage when you aren't allowed to do things.. more like you are a "child" in the relationship who still needs to ask permission. JMHO

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On thinking on this further....

I think that if I were married and someone asked me not to do something, I would generally try to take their position into account. But if it came down to what was in my mind doing the right thing OR doing/not doing what they were asking of me? I would probably go w/ my gut/heart.

If I were to marry someone, I would hope they knew me well enough to know that at the end of the day, I have to do what I think is right.

I generally wouldn't have a problem with someone saying, "I'd prefer that you not do X" or "We really can't afford Y" But if someone were for example telling me that I was "not allowed" to call the vet for my horse? I'd call the vet.

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Now, I use that a lot, lol. "Pootsie won't let me have another puppy!". That doesn't mean he won't let me, it means he said "I don't think it's such a good idea" and I agree, but still want a puppy.

But if he flat out told me "No. You may not do that" and it was something stupid like trading in my car, boy would he be sorry!

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I have had three of those. One told that if I needed to go to the bathroom I'd better be holding it when I got home.

Another told me I had no business going on a trail ride without him. He also told me I had no business going to a ball game to watch my child participate in the band. Need less to say, I HAD them and now they are gone!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The semantics bother me.

"My husband won't let me do that" screams manipulation and control.

"My husband said our finances don't allow it right now" is being responsible.

The first is abhorrent, the second understandable (especially in this economy).

I also have had an abusive relationship where control was exerted. I resisted and threw his sorry *** out. I will often discuss things with Jay and we'll decide together if it's viable or not but he'd NEVER tell me "you can't do that" any more than i'd say the same to him.

And when it comes to vet care? If we found a sick and/or dying kitten (or dog or horse or whatever) in the road it would go straight to the vet. I know because we've done it several times already.

It's called responsibility.

HTTY & GBTUSA

BUMPER

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hah! fireworks!

Hahahaha sometimes!!!! Not so much now. I do remember he came home to a carport full of broken dishes. I left them there for him to clean up. :happy0203:

Sometimes he will say he found a dog for us, bloodhound, coonhound, or something like that. I always tell him no. Of course, I know he isn't serious. But, he did come home with a border collie/mix puppy a few months ago.

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My hubby says that to tell me I can't do something is a sure way to make me do it :rolleye0014: but is a tad disappointed that it doesn't always work. :tongue9: LOL

He is my biggest supporter and support whatever I want to do... making sure I don't 'chicken out' at times too... and that's how I act with him too.

If I ABSOLUTELY want something he doesn't want I can get it... He'll just sigh and then help me deal with it, but it would have to be really serious for me not to accept his point of view.

And I just spent $95 on a sick kitten I don't want... and hubby would be the first to tell me we'd have to take her to the vet.

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I must REALLY be baaaaddddd.... hubby tells people all the time I won't let him do this or that, but I NEVER say that. [ROTFL] He would come home quicker than I would with the stray dog we don't need and he'd be the one that would catch heck. I'm the more practical one of the two.

He's a great husband and very supportive, but I've been married to the more controlling type. We fought like cats and dogs all the time because I just wouldn't give in and I was miserable.

I don't want to be controlled and don't try to control someone else. If they want to make a stupid decision, I let them --that's the only way they learn when they have to pay the consequences.

I've found out too that the controlling types are usually the ones with something to hide.. just human nature.

Mutual respect goes a long ways...

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In my first marriage, hubby bought what ever he wanted. My pay check went straight to him..always. He never asked me my opinion on anything. But...he never said anything about my animals. Bought horse property so I could have horses at hom. So, I really couldn't complain. he was just controlling in other ways.

Hubby now doesn't control at all. Wants me to do what makes me happy. We discuss just about every purchase and he too lets me have my animals. The only thing he will buy without asking me about it is tools. As he puts it...when he buys a tool it makes us money, when I buy a horsie thing it costs us money. He is actually very frugal and if he wasn't we would really be up the creek! I don't mind in the least.

IF he ever told me that I couldn't do something that I really wanted to do, as long as we had the money, I would be angry. I do not believe one partner should tell the other what they can and cannot do...as long as it doesn't hurt the finances that is!

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Any woman who HAS to use that line more than once is living a half-life. The unpleasant half!

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Hey, we're Scorpios too!

Both JD and I use the "won't let me" thing to avoid something we'd rather not do from time to time. We're both ok with playing the bad cop for that circumstance.

For real though, we are well aware that we are both independent, sometimes too much so, people that don't always ask the others' opinion, much less feel we need "permission" to do something.

However, since he turned over the finances to me nearly 23 years ago, he does, most of the time, defer to me in financial matters. Of course there is the motorcycle he bought 12 years ago without telling me! [Duh]

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Sorry I didn't get back here last night.... hubby is home!! :happy0203:

I have had to revamp my words since I've been married to DH....now I say,

"I'll have to talk to David about it". What ever IT is.

I do buy horsie stuff without discussion, nothing big but things like wraps, dewormers, tack. He buys tools and parts for farm equipment.

The small stuff.

I knew you were all a bunch of smart cookies! [Not Worthy]

So the minority is those who

are under the thumb of a control freak. Good to know.

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wanna know who is controlling..our appliences, car, trucks animals, girls spend our money ,so we don't need to argue over who gets what for what......

Edited by Ann Wheeler

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Doesn't fly with me. I mean the controlling one that doesn't want you to do anything and gets jealous over you. I was in one of those relationships, however, he was very smart and didn't exactly say no or make it known he didn't want me to do things. I figured it out cause he slipped up once and that was it. Result, was a I no have a stalker cause he is still has to know everything about me. Some people just have to be like that.

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And that's why I killed him your Honor. :happy0203: Nobody tells me NO and lives to tell about it. [ROTFL] And as soon as he goes into the nursing home, which won't be long, I'm gonna get me a weiner dog. :tongue9:

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Mudder- [ROTFL]

Personally, I make my decisions based on 'our' plan. I don't use him as an excuse not to do something either. But I hear it a lot from people and wonder if it's true or if they just don't have the cojones to say 'no'.

When I was quite young, I remember my mom crying and telling me she "had to vote for Reagan" because of her abusive boyfriend. I never understood why she couldn't just vote for who she wanted to. After all, ballots are private. Still don't understand what that was all about. I think I learned to hate control freaks because of living with that awful man.

Edited by Little Cow

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