LadyBug7

People Talking Behind Your Back, What Do You Do?

29 posts in this topic

I just thought this might be an interesting debate or topic. So if you find out from the grapevine that someone is talking about you what do you do? Do you get mad, angry, let it go, blow up at the person, confront them... Does it depend on who talks about you say a family member, a neighbor, does that factor into your reaction? If I find out someone I know is saying something not so nice about me, it initally hurts my feelings, but I try to let it go. If a person needs to be confronted I do, but you cannot help what every person says about you. I like if a person takes me aside and tells me they have an issue with this or that rather then having to hear something through another person. I am more talking about not the internet community, but more of a personal level.

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I consider the source, and then laugh my *** off, cause I don't give a crap what others say about me. My real friends know the truth, and that's all that matters. I avoid those kinds of people, family or not. Not worth my time. Life is too short to be that worried about someone else and their life. I prefer to start my own rumors about me. I have more fun that way.

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Oh this is a good one!!! My kids tell me to let it roll off my back! God, I'd pay money to figure out how to do this!!! This has and IS happening to me. And I'm a Cancerian, a June Baby, and it's killing my heart and soul.

I have/had ??? some people from my Saddle Club that I loved dearly. They helped me out in so many situations. Even bought my little horse trailer for me and I made monthy payments on it for a year. I stayed at their farm so many times while they went out of town. My horse was boarded there at the time. But things began to go wrong last August...things were said...feelings were hurt...mostly mine.

I moved my horse but the friendship is just nearly gone now. And it kills me!!! I found out some things from some of the other saddle club members I was being "talked" about.....by my "friends". I have been crushed and hurt and have not been able to deal with it very well.

The man is my feed distributor and he's the only one here!!! And I do not want to change feeds so I have to see them at least one time a month. I am no longer invited to their home. She used to call me all the time....yea, that doesn't happen any more...

They went out of town 2 weeks ago and instead of calling me feed the horses and other animals, I overheard a conversation from some other Club member that they had done it.....

Crap! What Did I do to hurt them so badly?? I've written letters and apologized and nothing works. So, I just don't do anything anymore.

And I'm still being talked about. So, I took the weenies way out....I don't see them except at meetings 1 time a month and have just turned into a hermit.

Yep, I'm battered and bruised inside and I am not Tuff!

I have no idea what to do. Ignore it I guess. Still hurts though!

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Mudder.........I love what you do! Or how you handle things. I can't find any Big Girl Panties! hehehe..........You rock woman!

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i have been talked about behind my back alot. I laugh it off have fun listening to it and go on. If they are any kind of friend they will try and figure out the truth. I have confronted a few people but only because i heard them saying crap with my own ears. Handled it then and some i still talk to and some i dont. If they dont want to talk to me there loss not mine. Plus if they can drop me as a friend that fast they werent a friend to begin with. ALso if you have apologized in many ways and they still want nothing to do with you you are better off i promise there true colors are showing threw and it would have happened eventually. I think of it as saving you from a worse heart ache down the road.

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if its a real friend of mine, then I'll confront them and ask why they said whatever it was they said. i hate waiting, I'll do it the second I find out about it. I hate secrets and talking behind people's backs, so I try and keep as open of a book as possible. I try really really hard to never say anything behind anyone's back that I wouldn't say to their face. its something I'm really working on lol :)

but other than that, if its just someone from a barrel race or rodeo, I'm with Mudder on this one. say whatever you like about me, I could care less. I think its funny to hear some of the crap that people say about me. Even like what some of my truck drivers have said, lol. Just laugh it off. :) Being a girl and owning a construction company, I honestly think I've heard every dirty thing and called every bad name possible. Laugh, yell back, and move on lol :)

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Oh Ladies...I so need to learn to adopt this attitude!!!! It does appear to me that if you (me) have tried and tried to figure out what the heck happened.....ours was over a feedling issue....they said I asked too many questions. Geez, I'm a first time horse owner...of course I'm gonna ask questions! And they switched her feed.....I was COOL with that....but I was not clear on how this new product was supposed to be better.

And she was kept in pasture with only 1 horse and not allowed to interact with the others. So, I questioned this also.......turns out they don't all "play well" with others....that's cool........

So what they tell everyone now is is how I was a Bad boarder and watch out for me...I ask too many questions.......it is said I didn't trust their judgement. Sigh........

Well, it's over and done with. I still buy the feed because I love the product. But to know they talk about me to the other members of the club? That sucks!

The only conclusion I can come to is.....to be the best person I know how to be..act as nicely as I can to ALL members and then they can judge for themselves. And I am the club secretary....I can't just "quit"........But it does depress me.

I do so admire you ladies who can just 'sluff" it off! Good for you..really!

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Don't worry Ribellin you aren't the only one. I try to let things roll off my back, but when its someone I am close to it hurts to be honest, especially if you are super emotional, like moi. This topic steamed off of something I heard from a family member, it was really kinda silly. I posted an add on craigslist for the women that I board with I will call her Y. She wanted 1 extra boarder. I got a response from a women I will call X. Well Y doesn't like X, so I told X sorry I appreciate her interest but we don't have the room. Then X started asking me if I was related to this person, why we moved our barn, etc. etc. I just felt like X was being a little too noisy so I didn't respond besides intitally saying thanks for your interest but we don't have the room. I mean it wasn't my barn and Y didn't like this women are the way she handles her animals. So X has lunch with this family member and tells them on how rude I was to her, actually I think she said crappy to her. I didn't really care what X said, she is kinda a drama queen, but I more cared about that my family member was engaging in gossip about me. I guess it kinda hurt me that she said I was rude. Typcially most people think I'm nice, I'm going to try to let it go, but it so HARD.

Edited by LadyBug7

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Ladybug...I feel your pain!! And Yep...it's hard! When you get yours figured out, let me know would you? I sure don't have an answer right now!

Wish I could find another feed distributor!!! Sigh....Hugs to you...

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People who talk about others behind their backs have spiteful, ugly souls and shouldn't matter to you anyway. It takes a pretty small-minded person to do that, instead of facing you honestly with whatever the problem is. Funny how THEY always think they are so smart while doing it. Have a laugh at it, and move on to pleasanter folk.

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People who talk about others behind their backs have spiteful, ugly souls and shouldn't matter to you anyway. It takes a pretty small-minded person to do that, instead of facing you honestly with whatever the problem is. Funny how THEY always think they are so smart while doing it. Have a laugh at it, and move on to pleasanter folk.

Right.

I am hard of hearing, so I just don't hear things when people make sure to tell me what someone else said about me.

By the time I ask they please repeat themselves a few times, how silly it is what they are saying dawns on them and they change the story. :winking:

Try it, it works. :smilie:

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People who talk about others behind their backs have spiteful, ugly souls and shouldn't matter to you anyway. It takes a pretty small-minded person to do that, instead of facing you honestly with whatever the problem is. Funny how THEY always think they are so smart while doing it. Have a laugh at it, and move on to pleasanter folk.

Agreed.

Generally the one's that will talk abouot you behind your back don't have the guts to say what they are saying to your face as most of it is usually made up garbage to make them feel better about themselves. They usually have pretty bad self asteem issues and the only way they can feel better about themselves is to trash others to make all the crap they actually do seem not so bad in thier little minds. I avoid these types of people and if they want to talk about me then let them talk, I know the truth and if the people they are talking to are so closed minded that they do not choose to hear both sides of the story and judge the vadility of the statements being made by having all the facts, then shame on them for being as pee brained as the person making the original statements.

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I'm like Mudder,

I really don't care what people say about me. I figure if they are talking behind my back it's because they don't have the noids to talk to me face to face.

Funny story, I had a groom working for me that was the type that everything bugged her. I'd get out of my car at the barn, come walking with my coffee cup at 7am and Franny would come meet me all worked up about some petty crap.

Franny could not ever contain her hyperness and loud mouth. She'd be whining about; so and so used my jog cart yesterday after I left and didn't wash it; so and so took my towel off the line, blah, blah, blah.

So, me an Franny didn't get along too well cuz I HATE someone yack, yack yacking at me about crap first thing I get to the barn. Especially petty crap and I am really not awake yet and NEED to think about who I'm training and how fast he has to train and what speed I need to go quarters in.

One day right before Franny was to go on vacation, she was taking to another of our grooms who was to rub one of her horses while she was away. I was about 6 stalls down and, unlike Merry, I have better than normal hearing. I heard her blah, blah, blah, this and that about me and how I was this and that and she could not STAND ME.

I let her go on because, you know, give a girl enough rope.............

Well, she said something and I hollered back to her the answer to what she just said.

She jumped out into the aisleway all agasp, mouth open, looking all around for me. I come walking out the stall I was in.

[shocked] "How could you hear me I am way down here? Oh, oh NOooooo!! How much have you heard?

Well, needless to say Franny was quite embarrassed and didn't think she would have a job when she came back from vacation. This did the trick and little big mouth, whiney arse Franny watched her P's and Q's from then on and became ........

ALMOST a pleasure to work with.

At least she quit complaining about petty crap and left me alone of a mornin' [Crazy]

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See the thing is, if you let this petty childish whispering of words behind your back, get to you, and get to you enough times, that it bothers you so much, it's going to make you sick. I don't want, nor do I need that. It's not worth it to me. People who talk behind your back are not your friends. Not the kind of friends you want anyway. So surround yourself with the kinds of people you do want for friends.

Yes, it hurts, but you get over it. Get thicker skin, don't wear your heart on your sleeve. If you do, people will see that, and take advantage of it every time. You don't need to turn into a hermit, and not go out or see the light of day. Not at all. Go out, have fun, enjoy life, despite what everyone thinks or says. You and your real friends know what you are about. If they don't, they were never a real friend. Be yourself. And remember...what goes around comes around...eventually.

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I actually feel sorry for anyone that talks about me behind my back.

I go to work. I go home. I enjoy my horses, dogs, daughter, and grandson. I don't go out to bars anymore. That got boring. I go to my saddle club meetings and funshows. I don't hang out with anyone except the the kids and one friend that I have had since 1977. Pretty boring life, but I am happy. If they want to talk about me then I feel sorry for them because their life must be more boring than mine. Sometimes I get a kick out of it, because they have me doing things that I have never thought about doing.

Just remember that their life must missing something in order for them to try to bring sadness to someone else in order to make theirselves feel better.

[Huggy]

Plus if they are talking about me, it is saving someone else. They will soon move on down the road when they realize it is not bothering you. Even if it is, don't let them see it.

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I just want to know what is so exciting about my life! I mean really, I do not do anything special. I use to care what people said. Now, tell me something about myself, it might make my day!

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I wish I knew how to answer you. I'm dealing with 2 nightmare situations myself right now. 1 is my husbands good friends, they make fun of me behind my back, but of course not behind hubby's back. Course he won't tell them to knock it off. the 2nd is my MIL. This woman is a drunk and spiteful, not to mention jealous. It started out as she would talk bad about Collin and I, and it was nothing that we could not handle. Thanks to MIL lies and meanness, we lost business this last fall and winter. Now that is hurtful. Honestly, I have no respect whatsoever for this woman who feels it is ok to run her own son down by lying and talking about us behind our backs. Heck, this woman once told everyone in the country that Collin only married me because he had to, why else would he have married someone who is partially handicapped, not a rodeo queen, and not a barbie?! That hurt a lot.

What do I do, well rage and vent and it does no good. You can't just ignore it when they are ruining your business. So I'm lost as to what to do. If MIL was not family I would sue her butt for slander, but alas, as rotten of a person as this woman is, nothing can be done. This is the same woman who stiffed us $1,700 for a phone bill they ran up, also is neglecting her horses that she keeps free at our place. Yeah wonderful character.

Dianne

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Well,..another way to look at it is that maybe,..just maybe those people HAVE tried to talk to you face to face or over the phone but you didn't HEAR them. It's always possible!

I think most of the people I deal with have tried to tell me things in the past that I may not have been ready to receive at the time,..and it wasn't until something BIG happened and they were DONE with me,..that it actually got my attention enough for me to hear what they had been trying to say.

I mean,..when you aren't interesting,..people don't have anything to talk about right?

When you put yourself out there in some form or fashion,..be in on the BB or IRL,..people form opinions of you. It's expected. Over time they try to gauge a "NORM" for you in what they perceive you to be and when something outside THEIR perceived "NORM" crops up,..it takes them aback and they form another opinion of you.

Maybe they just need time to process that side of you.

I realize there are folks who are just mean,..but what I have found in reality is that we ourselves usually DO or SAY something that causes people to want to talk about us.

That can be in a mean fashion,.or it can be in a concerned fashion for their welfare but what that person who is being talked about comes away with is "They talked about me,..UH OH" and it becomes uncomfortable to know that you were being discussed behind your back,..when in reality it may have been for your own good,..you just can't see it at the time.

It may be a way of trying to bring you back to reality and off a soapbox,..or away from a dangerous situation,..or away from a toxic lifestyle.

Sometimes you can find your way back to each other and the talk stops,..and sometimes,..it only serves to further separate people.

I get talked about all the time for various reasons and I realize that if I wasn't so opinionated about stuff,.I likely wouldn't get talked about.

I've always said,.."I learn more from those who have a strong opinion of me and want to poke at me for whatever reason,..than I ever have from those who just agree with me all the time"

I think you grow from it either way.

Once the dust settles there is usually a lesson to be found that one of you just wasn't ready to hear at the time.

Whatever the outcome,..it sure makes you get more introspective and pay attention to how what you say and how you interact with others is perceived!

And sometimes the anger you feel over it will cause you to make a change that you didn't even know you needed but the person talking about you knew it! Or at least suspected it!

That happens to me all the time and it's hard to eat crow and come back and say "You were right,..I was wrong,..thanks for that!"

Even those who are hardest on themselves don't always know how they portray themselves to others.

They may think they are a certain type of person but their actions show a different story. It's a delicate thing.

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The way i look at it like some others i must be a pretty darn interested person for someone to talk about me at all. I dont really go anywhere i have my animals and still according to people im out all the time seeing many men i just laugh and say wow im pretty busy.

As far as the mother in law thing why cant you sue for slander? DOes hubby not want to? and as far as his buddy goes they sound like a bunch of losers, remember misery loves company and they are miserable in there own lives and they want someone to be miserable with them. They arent worth your time or thoughts girl [Huggy]

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My mother always told me that if someone talks about others to you, you can be sure they will do the same thing about you when you walk away. I'm not talking about just plain gossip, "did you know so and so is getting a divorce", etc., I'm talking about stuff like "so and so should do this with her life or so and so is a hoity toity, bia", malicious, mean, tearing down of people and hateful meddling in people's lives.

The best way to avoid being hurt by this, and this took me many years to learn, is to recognize the hateful ones before you ever get involved. People are who they are and you can't change them.

If you've already become involved, well, you just have to let it go. Replace the hurt with something or someone positive. It's not easy, but it can be done.

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No sadly hubby won't do that, it IS his mother ya know, even if she did not raise him, his grandmother did. As for the friends, yeah I agree. Sadly they are his friends and he wouldn't give them up, even if I asked, which I would never do .

Dianne

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And old saying fits here. Apply this to whoever is talking about you behind your back, who dislike your behavior.

"Those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind."

:confused0024:

There are times i will confront someone but usually i just ignore it. Depends on the situation. Those who really know me, those who matter, they don't mind what i do or say. Those who don't know me well and talk about me, they mind but they sure as **** don't matter to ME.

I'm sure the town gossips are talking themselves blue over us right now. We have a "stray" staying with us, a 19 yr old who got into trouble with the law, is on probation and is leaving next week for job corps. He's been straight up with what he did wrong and to quote Dr Phil (gag me) he "owns it". He has made restitution and is ready to do JC for a year and be done. Then he has plans for the military. He works his BUTT off, comes in at the curfew we imposed (10 pm) keeps his room clean, does any and all chores we ask of him willingly and has told us repeatedly how much he appreciates the chance he's been given. We told him he owes us nothing...just pay it forward someday when he can. He's very grateful and i know that he will do so. This is a kid who was in foster care until age 12 when he was adopted by close relatives...who kicked him out at 18.

Anyway, rumors fly in a small town and i'm sure the town gossips have speculated that he's robbing us blind. I don't care. I know better. We are giving a chance to a kid so he can make something of himself. What others think about that means less than a frog fart.

HTTY & GBTUSA

BUMPER

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My dear (and very smart) grannie would say "while they are talking about me, they are leaving alone some poor soul who couldn't handle it!"

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The best way to avoid being hurt by this, and this took me many years to learn, is to recognize the hateful ones before you ever get involved. People are who they are and you can't change them.

Yes, well people, particularly some who spend a lot of time on BB's are very adept in fooling others. Not forever of course, but long enough to suck the life out of others that are caring/giving individuals. They're the emotional/financial vampires of the interwebs. After enough time tho they always show their true colors and are the ones that nastily scream the loudest and longest about others doing exactly they themselves are guilty of.

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I guess I'd just consider the source and their motives.

I haven't run into this much IRL where it warranted any action. Online? Well, the last time something happened like that I totally did call them out on it. Not sure I would again just because it doesn't really MATTER...but at the time, I was pretty stressed out and that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

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My in laws are bad about doing this. I look at it this way if they're talking about me they're leaving everyone else alone and the people who know me know whats truth and what isn't. You just can't let someone else's pettiness get to you because generally they're the ones with the problem not you.

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You guys gave great advice. Rosy I like your signature, thats good advice. Bumper that was great of you to allow a young teenager in your home, you were probably his last chance. AWQH sorry about your situation, you sound like the better man though. Sometimes it is easy for others to be fooled by other people and what they say. Manes that was a funny story and Mudder good advice. I wish I could name everyone else, though but great advice and discussions. It makes what you are going through seem a little smaller or sillier when you hear other people's stories. :)

Edited by LadyBug7

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Those people who talk about you behind your back are not your friends, but neither are the ones who repeat to you what has been said about you. Good friends don't pass along hurtful comments.

Just ignore. It takes time and sometimes years, but you will learn. Otherwise people think that you protest too much. Rise above the petty gossip. And the h*ll with them.

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