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jubal

I'm up. I'll start.

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Difficult.  We've had two difficult days in a row that left me in tears.  It isn't Mom's fault that her thoughts are rambling and I remind myself of this so I don't take it personally, but it is still painful.  

She wants out of the bed or to be taken for a car ride but we cannot even get her to sit up without 4 people helping to make sure she is safe.  We hate telling her no and having to keep lifting her legs back into the bed and she hates us denying her what she wants.  Her body simply cannot do what she wants it to do and if Sister and I try, we'll end up hurting her and/or ourselves.  Mom was so upset the other night she said she wanted to call the authorities because her family was abusing her.  

Last early evening, she had just told my Sister and I that she did not want any visitors that evening - none were planned so all was good.  Sis then had to take her son into town to pick up his car at the mechanic's and I was alone w/ Mom.  Phone rings, it is her pastor who wanted to come visit her and I told him Mom wasn't up for visitors.  When I told Mom who called, she became upset because she *did* want to see him.  I go online to get the number for the church and call, letting them know Mom did want to see her Pastor.  They said they'd send him a message and he would call us.  

Meanwhile, Mom is now worrying about everything that needs to be done for his visit; the house and Mom need to be presentable.  I work well under pressure and can prioritize like no one's business so I let Mom know what I am going to do and get started.  Only to be interrupted by her yelling for me to come to her, where she rambles about the things I am already trying to do and is directing me to do things that are unnecessary.  For appeasement's sake, I do what she asks and keep trying to complete the vacuuming but she keeps yelling for me to come to her.  She is getting more and more agitated and then she tells me to turn off the TV and stop making noise with the vacuum.  She doesn't want to see the Pastor and we need to pretend as if we aren't home.  

She's crying, I'm crying and that, of course, is when the Pastor calls us back.  He was very kind when I explained to him that Mom is having a difficult time and that tomorrow would be better.  He asked after me because I couldn't hide that I was crying, asking if there was anything he could do for us and I told him no.  Mom tends to get stuck in a loop when she gets upset and it makes me upset to see her that way and know there isn't anything I can do to fix it.

Even while it seems Mom is out of it and unaware, she still knows.  After we both had calmed down, she pulled me in for a hug and we reminded each other how much we love each other.  They are coming fewer and farther between, but those are the moments I treasure with my Mom.

The Pastor has called this morning and it looks like he will stop by after lunch - which is a very good time for Mom's alertness.  Mom's nurses will be out before then to bathe her and change her leg bandages.  I got the carpet vacuumed, everything is picked up and dusted.  Mom will be fresh, clean and have clean bedding.  Sister and I also picked out a nice top for her to wear instead of her open-backed hospital-bed jammies.

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Heidi, it's so hard but you are doing all that you can doq for her. Sounds like you and your sister are trading off duties which is good, one of you needs to be fresh when they other is spent. Care giving is the hardest job of all because of the emotional attachment to the patient. ((Big Hugs))

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Heidi, everyone is different but some things that worked for me. First, I never told of future plans. When someone arrived, that's when Mother found out they were coming. She only lived in the moment anyway. It sounds like it is the same with your mom. I tried to reason with her at first, then finally realized that was futile. I learned never to argue with her and to just out and out lie when I had to. The hardest thing was to realize the person you knew is in there somewhere but you won't really ever get her back. There are moments, though, that you can share. Also, if there is any way to help her out of bed and into a wheelchair, do it, maybe when the nurse is there. Just being out of bed does wonders for them. It makes them feel more empowered. And like QH said, take care of yourself. If you give out, she won't have you. Talk to your sister. You both need to vent.

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Heidi, so sorry you are going through this. You need to take some breaks. Just go for a walk to clear your head. My sister went through this with our mother. At the time I lived 2000 miles from her and wasn't able to help. I went for short visits but that wasn't enough. My mom was bi-polar and taken off her meds when she got cancer. It was a very difficult time. My sister would call and cry. Take care of yourself. If you need a short break, take one.

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Heidi,   Always hardest to take care of blood, as there is a strong emotional connection, while things are stressful right now, when mom is gone, you'll have no regrets, as you'll know you & your sister gave your all for Mom. Love & Best Wishes. PD

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12 hours ago, TigerLilly said:

We have terrible flooding here. 90 roads impassable:(

Oh no! Hoping people use their heads and stay safe.

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I can't believe the amount of rain parts of the country are getting.  *thoughts/prayers*

Mom kept wanting us to check on Dad (who passed in 2004) last night.  We got her distracted and she quieted down.  Thanks for the great advice.  Sister and I talked and we agree that unplanned visits would be best because then she doesn't have time to worry over it.  The house is easy to keep picked up and I'll vacuum more often in case people drop in.

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