Whoever Cares The Most

I believe that life is truly a series of compromises in which the person --- or animal --- who cares the most is the one who gets what he (or she) wants. I know for sure that this method of operation accurately describes my relationship with my pet horses. If they want something more than I want the opposite, they will end up getting to do what they want.

Traditional horse trainers are probably having heart attacks after reading that last sentence, but it is true, and it does NOT cause problems. The bottom line is that I want to be the boss more than my horses want anything, so if giving them what they want impairs my authority, I am not going to give in to them. The point I want to make, though, is that I can give in to them on many, many things and still stay the boss (because they know it was MY decision that allowed them to do what they wanted).

For example, my pet horses learn about a million versions of “no.” One of those versions does, in fact, mean “stop now and never do that again”, and my horses obey that one immediately. However, at the opposite end of the spectrum is the “no” that means “I’d really rather you didn’t do that, but I don’t care enough to MAKE you stop.” In that case, the horse will stop if whatever it’s doing isn’t important to it, but it will continue if it’s enjoying what it’s doing. Whoever cares the most wins.

There are numerous versions of “no” in between those two examples, each representing a different degree of how much I care. My horses can then compare how much they care to how much I care and react accordingly. If they misjudge, I just up the ante with my next “no.” (Not every “no” is a real “no”, either. Sometimes, for example, I just say the horse’s name in an exasperated way. For example, “TOR-ee” is a slightly lesser “no” than “Tor-EE” when my horse Tori is doing something annoying --- but neither one indicates I’m likely to do more than complain. Still, my horse usually stops whatever she’s doing when I whine at her this way.)

I think the concept of dominance is related to “whoever cares the most”, too. Dominant animals (or people) tend to care more, but dominant-subordinate relationships may seem to vary depending on the circumstances. Dominance is valuable because it gives one priority access to resources, but if resources aren’t scarce, maintaining dominance might not be worth the effort. For example, one horse may seem to be dominant to another because it always eats first, but that might be because neither is starving and the “subordinate” horse knows it will eventually get its fill anyway. If food becomes limited, the “subordinate” horse might decide that food (and priority access to resources) is worth fighting for, after all, and suddenly, it becomes dominant. Therefore, the usual horse-training emphasis on being “dominant” to your horse isn’t really worth much, if it’s just seen as “making sure your horse obeys your orders.” The real key lies in WHY your horse obeys your orders.

Consider the following two possibilities:

1. Your horse doesn’t always obey your orders, but when it doesn’t, it knows you are letting it disobey.
2. Your horse always obeys your orders, but only because it’s letting you be the boss.

In the second situation, you might think you’re “dominant”, but in fact, you will only be the boss until your horse cares enough to challenge you. In the first situation, you are truly dominant, even though it might not seem so to a casual observer.

There are other possibilities, of course. Your horse might always obey your orders because you are truly dominant and you care enough about being “dominant” that you never allow it to disobey. The point I’m trying to make in this blog, though, is that you can be “dominant” and still let your horse have its way in the things that don’t really matter to you. If you choose to go that route, you will have a horse that is always testing you to see what the limits are today, and you will have to be comfortable with that kind of relationship. If you’re not, then you should stick with the “never give an inch” philosophy.

If you are confident enough in your leadership position to allow some give-and-take into your relationship, though, you will see your horse’s personality truly bloom. The more interactive the relationship, the more enjoyable it should be --- for both you and the horse. The only important thing is that your horse must understand that it is YOUR choice to LET it disobey occasionally. YOU decide whether to exercise your “dominance” (or not), understanding that whoever wants something the most at any given moment (whether it’s “dominance” or “disobedience”) is going to get it. Letting your horse “win” occasionally need not impair your authority, and it will make life richer for you both. The “real world” revolves around such compromises!