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#1 Smokum

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 11:05 AM

I've been having problems with my in laws for a while now, I think my mother in law has some MAJOR mental issues. My FIL is a preacher and they are very very religious, and under normal circumstances I find that a good thing, however, I feel they are hiding behind church and their religion to justify how they act.

MIL feels the need to constantly "watch" her husband, she blows gaskets if they go near a beach, or there's a woman running on the side of the road in *GASP* a tank top or other sort of revealing clothing. They purposely avoid areas where there may be women, she won't allow him to go anywhere by himself, she works with him (and my husband) and will not allow any recreational activities. My husband is constantly upset about the situation because he cant do anything with his dad, ever, except to work. Honestly this all doesn't bother me that much, but it bothers me when my husband is upset because he brings that home.

I am forced to wear sweatshirts when I go to their house, which because of that, is like never.

We had a major argument a few months ago because I caught them stealing pictures of our daughter off my Facebook, and by pictures, I mean EVERY picture I put on Facebook, which I discovered when I went to their house and all the pics were in frames all around their house. Also, I wouldn't have had an issue with this except for the fact that MIL doesn't want to deal with me and did not even bother to ask. This was an issue between Josh's sister and I, she was the one who printed off all the pics by going through her Facebook. (in laws don't have Internet, tv, will only listen to church radio, and don't allow a newspaper in their home.) Anyway, they called my husband and told him he's not allowed there any more and he should look for work elsewhere. This upset my husband A LOT and honestly p'd me off to no end, I thought it was for our best interest for my husband to find work elsewhere anyway, because their whole relationship is affecting our home now too, and threatening our financial stability.

So, fast forward to today... They brought their skidder tractor here so they can work on getting some trees out that fell after last Julys big storm, his mom was going to drive my husbands truck here ahead of them and then come visit our daughter, she didn't show up until after DH and FIL pulled in with truck and tractor. Then, when she did come in she said hi to LO and left... I was like WTH. I don't think that is a normal reaction for a grandmother. DH won't say anything, I think he tries to protect her because she obviously is in a fragile mental state, but I don't want to be the one blamed in the future for them never seein her because they act the way they do and I refuse to put up with the bs.

I am on the verge of not giving a crap and just calling her out on how flipping nutso I think she is, and telling her she should be ashamed of herself for bringing her son and his family into their stupid drama.

I guess I'm trying to see what anyone thinks I should do to deal with this type of people.

Edited by Smokum, 15 October 2012 - 08:51 AM.

Mama to 2 beautiful babies, one angel in heaven, 8 fur-babies; 6 dogs and 2 horses, and 19 chickens.
 


#2 ¤PaintJumper2oo4¤

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 11:14 AM

Tread lightly, dear.

No matter what, that is your man's Momma. My MIL does crazy stuff too, but at the end of the day, she is still the mother of my husband, the grandmother of my daughters, and therefore, gets my respect. I completely understand how upset you feel, how upset it makes your husband. BUT, if something needs to be done, your hubby needs to be the one to do it. This is HIS blood he needs to deal with- of course with you standing behind him all the way.


As far as the pics go- my MIL did the same exact thing, but when you post pictures on a PUBLIC place, it isn't stealing. And as far as your relationship goes, I guess I would be glad she still has an interest in her granddaughter, and that she wants to display the pictures.

#3 Smokum

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 12:06 PM

Yeah I do understand that no matter what she will always be my husbands mother, that is the only reason I have even tried to create a relationship with her, but as far as respect, I have a hard time giving it if none is gotten back. I'm all for being one happy family, but I have tried and tried and gotten nowhere. I'm sick of being the only one trying here. It's not my fault THEY are secluding themselves from their family, they have a problem with me, my family, every woman for that matter, and they think they are above everyone else.

My husband has attempted to change things, he gets nowhere so just gives up. It annoys me because I feel like he doesn't care about how I feel, how they make me feel, or if they make any effort to have anything to do with our daughters life, except for putting copious amounts of pictures of our dauhter up (which I feel is just for show) I've invited them to go swimming, have lunch, BBQ, go shopping, etc and they always decline my offers unless they can control who will be there and she always texts my husband to make sure I'm wearing a sweatshirt... Even when it's smoldering hot out.

This is why I'm at my wits end. I don't know what else to do. My husband isn't interested in stirring the pot, but I'm unwilling to bend over backwards for these people any more.

As far as Facebook, I would think they could've gone about things differently. They do not have internet so went through other people to get the pictures. I have not posted many pictures of my daughter since then. I still think of it as stealing, taking something without permission, whether it was on FB or my personal computer.

Mama to 2 beautiful babies, one angel in heaven, 8 fur-babies; 6 dogs and 2 horses, and 19 chickens.
 


#4 redneckcowgirl

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 01:55 PM

Isn't the point of posting pics on FB, to SHARE them with friends & family? I think you are reacting a bit harshly over pictures. Heck, the way I see it, Grandma loves the kid, & likes to display pictures of her grandchild. It's cheaper than you having to print them out,frame them & send them to her.

My mom does the same thing, & I thought it was kind of cool to see a bunch of framed pics of my boys & their horses at her house last month when I was out there.

#5 QH_LUV_R

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 02:46 PM

Your situation is similar to mine except my husband always stood up to and protected us from the dysfunction of his parents and siblings.

But as a grandparent myself, I am wondering why you never supplied them with photos of their grandchildren so your MIL didnt feel the need to "steal" them? That sounds like a slight to me.

I wasnt in love with my Inlaws either, but I always made sure they had prints of any new photos of the kids to show off to their friends.
I think like your In laws, they preferred paying lip service to, rather than actually being hands on grandparents.

Because my in laws were dysfunctional distracted parents and honestly could not be trusted to act appropriately or respect our wishes where the kids were concerned, we were thankful they weren't demanding when it came to being involved in our lives.
Maybe you shouldn't take offense when your MIL only says LO to your daughter and look at it as a blessing.

I don't think "stirring the pot" is ever a good idea.
Granted, your MIL has series issues which include an inability to control impulses, a desire to control everyone around her and she definitely oversteps her boundaries.
But truthfully, in my opinion, you are in a no win situation.

You are better off having as little to do with her as possible. Leave it to your husband to deal with her and don't ask him to chose, you or her, that is unfair.
I am sure he feels caught in between you and his mom, but he needs to understand it is his job to set boundaries with her when she attempts to control your lives.
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#6 Smokum

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 04:11 PM

I guess I should've clarified better about the pictures, and I do supply them with lots of pics. It was sort of a combination of many events that lead to that argument, with the pictures being the last straw. I did over react about the pictures and I did apologize for it. The combination of MIL ruining my wedding (we ended up going to the courthouse instead of dealing with her trying to control what bridesmaids and I were going to wear, since we wanted his father to officiate, I still have my unworn wedding dress) the craziness we put up with in the hospital when I was in labor, my MIL stopping by on a whim and inviting herself into my home unannounced, MIL coming over when I'm gone and hanging God pictures up in my house without me knowing, MIL causing FIL and my DH to lose jobs because she flips out on homeowners coming out in tank tops/swim suits or yells at them for those white pin up girl window stickers on vehicles facing their work area for being satanic (therefore affecting MY finances) not being willing to compromise with anything ever, telling one of our gay friends she's going to **** for being gay, to her face, telling her SIL that her niece is going to **** for being gay, going into my car and putting bible music on and doing some wierd chanting then telling me she blessed my car, this list could go on and on. I've had multiple people tell me they get a baby snatcher vibe from her, to my amazement, I do too.

I would love to have as little to do with her as possible, but we live 2 miles away and my husband works for them. I in no way want to keep my daughter from them, not in the least. They are keeping themselves away from her all on their own.

I wish I could have a good relationship with my in laws, I know my parents will be at every soccer game, swim meet, horse show, birthday party that we throw, but I cannot say the same for them... I don't see how any of that will be possible, being the way they are, and I don't want to be the one blamed for it.

Mama to 2 beautiful babies, one angel in heaven, 8 fur-babies; 6 dogs and 2 horses, and 19 chickens.
 


#7 RailroadWoman

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 04:51 PM

I'd say just put up with them being polite. Tell them they are welcome to come & visit the grandbaby whenever they like. Sometimes if you coat them with kindness they will keep quiet. As for your husband he will have to deal with them himself being they work together & if you are talking down about the inlaws that will just put more stress on hubby.

For the choice of clothing. I would have a really hard time with that one. I personally would send the grandbaby with hubby & not go.

Posted Image
Horses, Oh Horses Furry and Sweet.
You are always hungry And you have lots to eat.
The grass is your food, You are never rude.
Apples and oats are your snack After someone has been on your back.
You stand on you feet when you sleep, You never make a peep,
Under the tress, you peacefully sleep, While waiting for the next morning.
Horses, Oh Horses Furry and Sweet.
(Morgan Woodrow)


#8 Smokum

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 08:26 PM

I think I'll try the killing with kindness approach. I have invited them many times to go out to dinner somewhere, picnic, shopping, my parents wanted to get to know them better and so I'll invite them for BBQ and visiting, knowing that they wont come but asking anyway, and they always refuse. Maybe if I keep doing it nobody will be able to tell me I haven't tried?

There have been times I have just sent LO with my husband and stated home because I don't want to go. It was nice, but i feel that's what she wants, me out of the picture.

Mama to 2 beautiful babies, one angel in heaven, 8 fur-babies; 6 dogs and 2 horses, and 19 chickens.
 


#9 RailroadWoman

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 09:53 PM

Another way you can go with it is just dropping by there place. Wear whatever it is you happen to have on. Then tell them the baby wanted to see her grandparents. You stopped for a short visit & used the baby as reason. As for the invite I would just invite for dinner once in a while & leave open door to see the baby. Don't go all out of your way.

Posted Image
Horses, Oh Horses Furry and Sweet.
You are always hungry And you have lots to eat.
The grass is your food, You are never rude.
Apples and oats are your snack After someone has been on your back.
You stand on you feet when you sleep, You never make a peep,
Under the tress, you peacefully sleep, While waiting for the next morning.
Horses, Oh Horses Furry and Sweet.
(Morgan Woodrow)


#10 GiddyUpHighly

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 10:47 PM

I think Railroad gave some excellent advice!

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Is a mind that knows much more

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#11 siseley

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Posted 20 July 2012 - 07:08 AM

I know no one asked my opinion, BUT.....

If this is the kind of people who are "Super Religious", they have fallen off a log somewhere.
To even try to manipulate your lives like they apparently are, is neither Christian, nor how a SANE Grandparent acts.

You need to let your HUSBAND let them know that religion is fine, but don't cram some WARPED interpretation down your throat.

Edited by siseley, 20 July 2012 - 07:08 AM.

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#12 loopyhorse

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Posted 20 July 2012 - 07:31 AM

I know no one asked my opinion, BUT.....

If this is the kind of people who are "Super Religious", they have fallen off a log somewhere.
To even try to manipulate your lives like they apparently are, is neither Christian, nor how a SANE Grandparent acts.

You need to let your HUSBAND let them know that religion is fine, but don't cram some WARPED interpretation down your throat.


This! If they have their own beliefs, great, but the don't have the right to force everyone around them to act as if they believe the same thing. But because it's your husband's family, he kind of needs to come to that conclusion and handle it with them... and maybe look for a different job.
Reba

#13 Smokum

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Posted 20 July 2012 - 11:28 AM

I feel exactly the same sisely and loopy. They are taking something that's supposed to be good and going 3,4,5 steps towards the loony bin.

My husband has told me that his mother is supposed to be on meds but refuses to take them, or go to a therapist, I guess she flipped out on therapist and called him a pervert during a session (im guessing therapist may have brought up intimacy with her?) She talks to God, and God tells her things (I find this the most bizarre, she claims He actually speaks to her)

I have told my husband many times I think it's in OUR best interest if he finds work elsewhere, but I think he's constantly being told how much they need him and if it wasn't for him, they wouldn't be able to make it (his dad is all but crippled, they are concrete guys, and carpenters, and his dad has 4 fused vertebrae in his back making this type of work very difficult for him. FIL wants to do something else, but MIL refuses to let him, nor will she get a job herself, which would make watching her husband impossible, so she throws a hissy fit and gets her way. There have been many many fights about this, and a main reason my husband will come home in a horrible grouchy mood. Who wants to constantly see your parents fighting, and in a toxic relationship?

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#14 Peppers Dad

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Posted 20 July 2012 - 11:35 AM

Smokum,

No advice, as you received plenty of good advice, so I'll just wish you well dealing with this. As a parent & grandparent, I've been on both sides of this issue. Trying to make peace is always best, if possible. I love my MIL, but then she lives 800 miles from us, but she likes to control also, but my wife & her brother don't let her. They don't pay attention to her, & go about their lives. Best Wishes. PD



#15 Flying Stars

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Posted 20 July 2012 - 12:07 PM

To me, your MIL sounds very insecure.

Obvious issues for sure...

As far as you wearing a sweatshirt? Hunny, you can and probably do have tops that is perfectly fine. Perhaps I wouldn't wear a tank top..especially knowing that it bothers her.

I wouldn't let them dictate to you as to what you wear when you go there? If my hubby were to eye up some young lady wearing skimpy clothes..i'd say hunny...I can do better than that! haha ..



She sounds like she loves her granddaughter very much though.


Just be you! Wear what you want...now I wouldn't purposely wear something that is going to set her off in a hissy fit...but you can look nice!

Try to be as friendly as possible and overlook her many MANY faults..I have a barrel full of those people in my life..and they happen to be my own parents.. My dad not so bad..he knows when to hold his tongue...my momma on the other hand..is a control freak , plays mind games, put's guilt trips on you if she can.

I live 6 hours away... my In Laws...well...um...we won't go there....take em with a grain of salt..Smile and keep going.

Sorry that your going through all of this! Many of these! :huggy:

 

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#16 Mudder

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Posted 21 July 2012 - 07:38 AM

You cannot control how others act or behave, you can only control yourself and how you act and react to it. Do as much or as little to keep you and your family sane, no more no less. Their problems are not your problems, and you cannot fix something that doesn't want to be fixed. Distance and being socially polite, while leaving the ball in their court, can work in your favor. We can't pick our family like we can our friends.

I find that when family, job etc start to affect your family/home life, then it's time to make changes. Getting a new job away from his parents is probably God's way of saying....hello, how's this present situation working for you? Closing a door and opening a window....so to speak. Might be something your hubby should really consider. Not just for his own sake and sanity, but, yours and that of your children as well.
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#17 LoveMyDog

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Posted 21 July 2012 - 02:26 PM

Maybe there is a reason your MIL feels it is so necessary to control and shield your FIL from women. Perhaps he has been unfaithful or has a penchant for gawking at women?

#18 ozland

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Posted 21 July 2012 - 03:53 PM

And what is wrong with gawking?

S'cuse me, gotta go iron my birthday suit.

For those who believe, no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not, no explanation will suffice.
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Calling an illegal alien an undocumented immigrant is like calling
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#19 Flying Stars

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Posted 21 July 2012 - 08:24 PM

Pity help my man if he starts gawking....

 

“The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are.”

 


#20 Smokum

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Posted 21 July 2012 - 08:30 PM

I had asked my husband that, I asked if his mom was so insecure because his dad cheated on her or something, he said they were at a concert and she caught him looking at a women's cleavage passing by, been this way ever since.

That's why I say she is using religion as a reason to act the way they do. FIL acts completely normal when she's not around (this is rare, but she goes shopping by herself), but when she is around, it's like he turns in to a mouse. It's clear he is unhappy by his maneurisms, but according to DH, she's the only woman he's ever loved (married at 17) and wouldn't know how to live without her. Makes me sad, but nobody can stand up for him if he can't even stand up for himself.

If DH wants to look at another woman's bewbs more power to him, he can look but not touch... Don't care lol

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#21 ozland

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Posted 21 July 2012 - 08:48 PM

Yep. Anyone should be able to look at the pretty scenery, as long as they don't touch. Makes for a much happier man.

S'cuse me, gotta go iron my birthday suit.

For those who believe, no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not, no explanation will suffice.
.................Joseph Dunninger


Calling an illegal alien an undocumented immigrant is like calling
a drug dealer an unlicensed pharmacist


#22 LoveMyDog

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Posted 21 July 2012 - 11:06 PM

Yep. Anyone should be able to look at the pretty scenery, as long as they don't touch. Makes for a much happier man.

The very definition of gawking is to "stare stupidly or gape" at the object. It's one thing to sweep the room and notice an attractive person. It's completely disrespectful to your partner and marriage to gawk at said attractive person.

As for the MIL, unfortunately it doesn't sound like much can be done. I second all of those who have said to put as much distance as possible between your family and your husband's family. What a pain in the butt to deal with.

#23 ozland

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Posted 22 July 2012 - 10:03 AM

"stare stupidly or gape


Yes, I know. I've been gawked at a few times. As long as they keep their mouths shut and their hands off, I have never had a problem with it. And watching my hubby gawk made me laugh. Some people need to loosen up the underwear and enjoy life.

S'cuse me, gotta go iron my birthday suit.

For those who believe, no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not, no explanation will suffice.
.................Joseph Dunninger


Calling an illegal alien an undocumented immigrant is like calling
a drug dealer an unlicensed pharmacist


#24 LoveMyDog

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Posted 22 July 2012 - 11:38 AM

Yes, I know. I've been gawked at a few times. As long as they keep their mouths shut and their hands off, I have never had a problem with it. And watching my hubby gawk made me laugh. Some people need to loosen up the underwear and enjoy life.

I disagree and henceforth conduct myself differently. As does my fiance. It's not about "loosening up the underwear" but rather about our value system and what we define as acceptable and or respectable behavior.

I have never been the type to drool over an attractive man, and I expect any partner I am with to be able to control themselves in a likened form. Men are not animals. They are quite capable of appreciating beauty without becoming stupefied by it.

#25 ozland

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Posted 22 July 2012 - 12:31 PM

I don't drool either, nor does anyone I know. But I will admit to being a bit
"stupified", as you put it, by exceptional beauty in ANY form, because it's so rarely seen.
Then there's the fact that if so many women weren't running around underdressed these days, there would be far less "stupified" men gawking. (Not to mention some women as well) That alone is pretty "stupifying".

S'cuse me, gotta go iron my birthday suit.

For those who believe, no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not, no explanation will suffice.
.................Joseph Dunninger


Calling an illegal alien an undocumented immigrant is like calling
a drug dealer an unlicensed pharmacist


#26 Graywolf 1

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Posted 22 July 2012 - 12:32 PM

Sounds like MIL has been allowed by everyone to become this out of control grown child. Hate to be the voice of dissent here BUT, at my house, concerning my husband, and our child, it's MY RULES. Life is too shorty to ######foot around some neurotic control freak that uses her health, her religion, and her sorry insecurities to control all those she comes in contact with. Do you want your daughter to pick up on her "junk"?? My daughter called me crying one afternoon (and she is a tough cookie!) because her then three y/o daughter she shares custody with came home from church with the sperm donors mother and announced, " I'm ready to die and go to Jesus now, mom". Three years old!! She is now seven and finally quit telling my daughter she's going to **** all the time. I'd be cutting off any visitation if it were me but it is up to her how much crap she wants to take. Thank God she saw fit to not marry him when he pushed her into a washing machine when she was pregnant. He's a jailer to boot! Like your situation, his mother rules the whole family, so he takes his inferiority out on anyone he feels less than "Mommy dearest".
Do you really think it is in the best interest of your family to let this go on? I think she would be doing you a great favor by staying away, and your husband may finally figure out what and whom is more important to him.

#27 Smokum

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Posted 22 July 2012 - 03:15 PM

Greywolf, this is one reason I am asking for advice, because I do fear for my child being brainwashed (no better word came to mind?) with their ****, fire, and brimstone outlook on everything. The thing is, my husband said they were not raised like this growing up, they were fairly 'normal' I'm told, and it wasn't until their house burned down and MIL had historectomy that she became this way, FIL became preacher to make MIL happy, and they now claim to be born again Christians.

I feel like I'm between a rock and hard place, I would normally never ever associate with Christian extremists, but they are my in laws, and my husbands parents, and I need to find that balance between putting up with their crap and standing my ground, both for myself, and my daughter. I guess the better question would be, how much crap do I put up with before I start saying something they probably don't want to hear?

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#28 *BurgundyBlankets*

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Posted 22 July 2012 - 04:16 PM

I'm with those who say gawk away... bf drives his semi during the day, at night when I'm feeding him and our hired guy dinner, if they happen to b home at the same time, they talk about the beaches they pass and the "scenery". They took me to a baseball game. We had gotten free tickets and I DDed for them... bf nudged me and asked how I was doing (we aren't sporty people) I said I'm good, just enjoying the scenery. They laughed.

"Doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as your home for dinner"

And your right men are not animals... humans are animals though.


BACK ON TOPIC. Smokum, sorry about that. Sorry about what your going through. I guess me being me I would have already started throwing out little hints to them... ex: if she were to tell you to put on a sweater. I would say I'm sorry you feel that way. But not all of us can be extremeist (sp), last time I checked my girls were tuck away and t shirts or tank tops are a normal part of life.

I have a pretty good feeling that my FMIL didn't appreciate my mouth when her son and I got together. But now shes come to expect it and tells brad how much she loves that I'm a no ******* kind of person.

There are a few things that she does with Weylin that I don't like... I mention it to her and shell say something like what happens at gmas stays at gmas and after the 3rd time of that, I said well you raised your children and I'd appreciate it if you followed how I'm raising mine. Shes, as far as I know, following my guidelines now. :)

#29 pelirrojaloca

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Posted 22 July 2012 - 04:18 PM

She sounds nuts!

I know people said not to stir the pot and all, but you cannot keep enabling that crazy lady!!

For starters: YOUR house, YOUR rules!! Wear whatever you danged-well please and if they do not like it, tough nuggies. They can leave. If she causes a stink about no sweatshirts, tell her she can take her sweatshirt, roll it up, and stick it where the sun don't shine!!!!

I would NOT leave children alone around them EVER.

Also, if they continue to spew crazy, hateful things towards others in your presence, I would demand that they stop the conversation as it is offensive and if they do not, then leave.

I get that she is your MIL and will always be your husband's mother, etc. but you cannot allow her to dominate your family and make you feel uncomfortable. There is a time in every family to "go with the flow" and there is a time to stand up for what is right.

You are a role model for you daughter. Act and respond to the situation in a way that would set a good example for her. She needs to see level-headed, reasonable adults making good decisions and standing up for themselves, not people bowing down to crazy and irrational behavior.

If you want another perspective on the situation, I know there is a Baby Center BB called "Dealing with the In-Laws and Family of Origin." You might get some good advice there too.

Good luck!!
Brenna

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#30 LoveMyDog

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Posted 27 July 2012 - 07:07 PM

"Doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as your home for dinner"

This quote is essentially saying "I don't care what is stimulating you, so long as you are acting it out with me." I disagree with that.

It's normal to notice attractive people but in my opinion, it is a disruption to the intimate bond between my partner and I for it to proceed past that point.

Based off your quote you are saying that it doesn't matter to you if your husband is getting aroused by and fantasizing about another woman while being intimate with you, because at least he is coming home to you. That, in my mind, is disrespectful behavior that is not conducive to the growth of the relationship.