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Update On Fetching Offspring... 30+ Days In.


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#1 redneckcowgirl

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Posted 28 July 2012 - 02:56 AM

So, other than the fridge being gutted daily, some sort of competition between the 13 & 18 yr old on who can eat the most food, since they weigh the same 128#, a realization that HOLY CRAP, the kid has a way worse tobacco habit than I do, (I smoke 1/2 pack a day, on a bad day... HE is sucking down 2 packs a day!!!) has lost his seat in the saddle that he was a natural at when he was 6, has some sort of insomnia, has no clue about the Upper Midwest "Take yer dang boots off at the door" thing, & is apparently upstairs slaughtering Buffalo at 3 am, according to the noise level....

How do you explain to your estranged offspring that losing a stirrup at a friggen walk is Embarrassing? (He announced at his Graduation in Ca that he was moving to MN to train horses with his Mom, but is suddenly afraid to straddle anything but my 15 yr old mare???)

H3II, *I* thought he was going into the Army in a few months! Now, he says he doesn't wanna.

Found a job for him with the neighbor, installing hardwood floors. Only stipulation is he has to show up at 6 am, & gets a dollar raise for every 40 hours worked.


Yup, kicked him out of bed at 1 pm, 5th day in a row this morning.

:surrender:

Help? Ideas? My 3 horses I have had for sale since Feb to fund the trip to go get him, are still here, so Hubby funded the trip. Hubby is NOT amused with the intake vs. Output ratio.


Called 18 yr old's father & left a message to call me a week ago, no reply.


You all are great at offering help....

So... Help?

TIA~

#2 Epona142

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Posted 28 July 2012 - 06:27 AM

Shape up or ship out.

Follow through.

You cannot make anyone grow up, sometimes they need a little life lesson. I've seen the results of those never given that lesson by their parents and it is not pretty.

Good luck.
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#3 ozland

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Posted 28 July 2012 - 07:14 AM

You now know why he came to live with you. You allow him to get away with that behavior. Epona's right. I KNOW, since I've been through TWO 18 year old boys.

S'cuse me, gotta go iron my birthday suit.

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#4 RailroadWoman

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Posted 28 July 2012 - 07:42 AM

Give him a time line. He has 3 weeks to find a job. Then he has 6 months to move out on his own if not then he is kicked out period. He gave a good song & dance in my opinion to move up north. Thinks he is getting a free ride. Oh & you can also tell him he has to work at the store for room & board.

Suppose there is a reason why his dad hasn't called back?

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Horses, Oh Horses Furry and Sweet.
You are always hungry And you have lots to eat.
The grass is your food, You are never rude.
Apples and oats are your snack After someone has been on your back.
You stand on you feet when you sleep, You never make a peep,
Under the tress, you peacefully sleep, While waiting for the next morning.
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#5 *BurgundyBlankets*

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Posted 28 July 2012 - 08:33 AM

Cinderella treatment... take EVERYTHING but his clothes and a mattress out of his bedroom. Even the buffalo. He can have stuff back when he respects the "quiet hours", gets a job, helps with the ponies, helps around the house, starts paying rent, whatever your heart desires.

I remember my mom doing this to me twice. I was 10 the first time and 16 the last time.

Your house your rules. You expect the youngins to be responsible so he must be as well.

And hes going to have to work to get his seat back. 12 years is a long time. **** I lost mine after 2! Lol

#6 dondie

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Posted 28 July 2012 - 01:48 PM

He is the prodigal son returning after years of being apart and expecting the fatted calf and party.
Every day.
I'll bet that both of you had happy ever after visions of how great life would be when the two of you were finally together.

He had the vision of the perfect Stepford Mom who would always agree with his every idea/wish...wait on him hand and foot while he relaxed and ate bonbons (or pizza)... give him all the cash he wanted...never gave him any rules to obey.
You had a vision based on the sweet, young talented rider that lived in your memories. That had morphed in height into a sweet talented rider and almost perfect son.
Instead of a Stepford Mom or the grown up baby.
He got you and you got him.

It's going to take some blood, sweat, tears, occasionally hiding in the barn until you get over the urge to kill the other one and lots of time. Before the two of you learn how to respect, love and know the real people.
If he was in his mid-twenties it would have been easier. Since he's a typical block-headed/I ain't listening to you/you can't make me/lazy/opinionated/ creature from the black lagoon (also known as a "Teen")your going to have the hardest job.


Expect the "My Dad wouldn't make me...(required action by son)..."My Dad loves me your a...(rude term)..." and the stab to the heart "If you REALLY loved me you would...(do/say/be/give..."
Expect the occasional rebellion from the other boys who want..your love/attention/superior status to the new son.

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#7 equi-librium

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Posted 28 July 2012 - 08:10 PM

Rude awakening time. Party is over. As stated earlier, shape up or ship out.

He cant smoke two packs a day if he doesnt HAVE them.. If he thinks he needs to smoke that much, he can get off his *** and work to pay for his habit.

Even if he stayed up til 1-2am, there is no real need to sleep past 9am. If hes not up by 9am, a gallon of icewater ALL over him and his bed. Followed by him hauling down all his bedding to the washing machine.

Give him a timeline. And stick to it. The longer crap goes on, the harder it will be to curb later. Dont fall for the guilt trips.

So you want to have him living with you when hes 30? If nothing changes, chances are he will be if hes still able to live the easy life.

Sorry.
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#8 siseley

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Posted 29 July 2012 - 06:32 AM

One nice solution given to all three boys by MY FATHER when we reached Graduation....
"Go to school and get some college, as you find work and pay rent and board, your Mom is not your slave, orrrrr... go in the service."

We all were Navy Brats, so .....a sailing we did go...and found out that the college, and job was a LOT easier.

Will either make a man, or a bum out of ya!
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#9 Stars_Morab

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Posted 29 July 2012 - 03:20 PM

I agree. Those boys need responsibility. They need to learn to take care of themselves.


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#10 Mz Rat

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Posted 30 July 2012 - 12:01 AM

I feel for you both. You are both in for a rude surprise. 18 yrs olds know everything and we (adults) are dumb as a box of rocks! I raised one son and 3 grandsons. Give him a time line. Anything you tell him you will do, you must do. If you don't, it will make everything worse. All the advise the others have given you is great! There will be times sticking to your guns will be incredibly hard and the things he will say will hurt like h$ll when he is mad. Let your husband help also. What is good for one kid is good for the others also. All rules need to apply to all kids. If the others are expected to do chores, this one needs chores also. If he is not going to go to college, he needs to get a job and keep it. Good luck!

#11 SpottedTApps

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Posted 30 July 2012 - 10:58 AM

As for the horse part, let him ride your 13 yr old mare. He may never become a horseman. I wouldn't push him beyond his comfort zone that way.

As for the rest, drag his happy a$$ out of bed when you get up and he doesn't get left at home. If he doesn't go to work elsewhere, he comes to work for you. Picking up dog poo, sweeping floors, taking out trash, washing windows etc. You pay him $12 a day for that, and he gets room and board. Or he is welcome to go get a real job and pay you $50 a week for room and board. I think the real job is a better deal, but he'll have to figure that out on his own.

When he is forced to get up in the mornings and work all day, he'll start sleeping more normal hours.
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#12 nightdreamer

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Posted 30 July 2012 - 11:38 AM

Don't let him take advantage of you. Treat him like a horse that is trying to buffalo you and kick him in to gear.

Try not to bring up how he was at the age of 6 b/c he is a totally diff. person and honestly he's just being a lazy teen.

#13 redneckcowgirl

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Posted 30 July 2012 - 12:30 PM

Thank you all for the great ideas, & the kick in the butt that *I* need. :huggy:

I am making up a daily chore list (again, with his name added....) he is working today & tomorrow for the neighbor installing a hardwood floor in the Cities, & he left at 5:30 this morning.

(Spotty, she's MY game mare that I got back from the other 2 boys, we're finally working out the offspring installed bugs... we had our first EVER 15 second pole pattern Saturday!!! She's MINE, dang it, lol!)


I was thinking, if he REALLY wants to ride with me that bad, I can work Tequila & he can ride Kelly bareback with me,(A-La Equi_Librium style, riding crop in the elbows behind his back!!!) we can both work on our balance together, then if he wants to work patterns at home, he can work with one of the geldings.

My smokes are put away. He can't get to them now. (DURR, never THOUGHT of telling him "Get Your Own!") :thud:

#14 RailroadWoman

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Posted 30 July 2012 - 02:04 PM

Red, if you really want I have gotten really good with the evil eye, pointed finger, slight spitting tacks speaches. Given a few to staff in the past. Works really good a straightening them out.

If I can make it over on Sunday of the camping weekend I'll evil eye the fart.

Posted Image
Horses, Oh Horses Furry and Sweet.
You are always hungry And you have lots to eat.
The grass is your food, You are never rude.
Apples and oats are your snack After someone has been on your back.
You stand on you feet when you sleep, You never make a peep,
Under the tress, you peacefully sleep, While waiting for the next morning.
Horses, Oh Horses Furry and Sweet.
(Morgan Woodrow)


#15 redneckcowgirl

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Posted 30 July 2012 - 02:27 PM

Heck, RRW, you need slave Labor on the train? I'll deliver! :happy0203: Wanna trade for a week?

#16 giddeyup

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Posted 30 July 2012 - 03:15 PM

I agree with everyone on putting your foot down. Be glad you don't have a ex MIL thwarting your efforts to make a man out of him.
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#17 redneckcowgirl

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Posted 30 July 2012 - 03:30 PM

GIDDEY! How ya been??? :smileywavey:

I hear ya, I hear ya. I guess if I am totally honest with myself, I know all this. Guilt tripping myself for the crappy life with his ex step mom who has a meth issue, dad with several issues I probably shouldn't discuss on a family board.... & I left him there, looking for my sanity, & felt he would be better off in the town where both Grandmas were... than on the road to who knows where.

I know giving him everything & letting him be lazy isn't going to band aid the hurt he's felt.... it's now my job to teach him that he IS an adult, & make sure he's got some life skills other than sad eyes & stories.

#18 RailroadWoman

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Posted 30 July 2012 - 04:25 PM

Can't live off pitty parties.

Posted Image
Horses, Oh Horses Furry and Sweet.
You are always hungry And you have lots to eat.
The grass is your food, You are never rude.
Apples and oats are your snack After someone has been on your back.
You stand on you feet when you sleep, You never make a peep,
Under the tress, you peacefully sleep, While waiting for the next morning.
Horses, Oh Horses Furry and Sweet.
(Morgan Woodrow)


#19 Small Time Hay

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Posted 30 July 2012 - 04:44 PM

Where is he getting the money for smokes?
Shape up or ship out!
Think of it this way: Your food, your house, your bed, your power, your water, you fuel these things cost money. If he wants to live with you thats fine but he has to contribute in some way shape or form. You are letting him play you, he knows what buttons to push and you let him get away with it. Think of it like this, you need to get tough with him now so that he makes some woman a very good husband in the future.
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#20 ozland

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Posted 30 July 2012 - 05:16 PM

Think of it like this, you need to get tough with him now so that he makes some woman a very good husband in the future.


Yep, otherwise you get to keep him til you die!

S'cuse me, gotta go iron my birthday suit.

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#21 LoveMyDog

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Posted 30 July 2012 - 05:25 PM

Red, it doesn't have to be a "one or the other" type situation. By your own acknowledgement, you DID screw up and you DID let him down as a little kid. You can make atonement for that and work to repair some of that parental damage you have caused. You can work with him to build a relationship of love and respect.

You can also set boundaries and know that just throwing stuff at him does not make up for the hurt you caused.

A lot of healing can be generated through a simple conversation. Talk to him. Show him how to live a positive life through example. Set guidelines and expectations for him.

#22 Mz Rat

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 12:07 AM

Ok, you screwed up leaving where you thought he would be taken care of. Admit it to him and tell him what you want and expect. Let him vent his hurt feelings cause you know he has plenty of those! It isn't going to be easy for either of you but you can and will make it out the other side better for the trip.

#23 Peppers Dad

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 11:17 AM

Red,:huggy:

You have received alot of good advice here, only thing I'll add is anything worth doing, is sometimes not easy. Sounds like you & your son have issues to work out, most of all you have to talk. If you don't settle the past now, it will always be a issue between you & him. He's there now so make use of the opportunity. But talk to him & not yell at him, even though it may seem like he isn't listening, he still hears what you say. He will find comfort in knowing there are limits in your home, but he he'll try his best to bend them, don't let him. If you enforce them he'll know he's cared about, but he won't admit it. You can compare this to a wound that has been festering for a long time, it will take time to heal. I want to wish you well dealing with this, life has not dealt you a good hand, but you are no quitter, & have overcome many challenges. You'll lick this one to. :huggy: Best Wishes. PD

#24 equi-librium

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Posted 01 August 2012 - 01:56 PM

atta girl red.. :winking: sometimes we all just need alittle kick in the butt.. consistancy is teh key.. just keep up with it. just keep him, the other two and the ponys towing the line. you'll be fine.. and if anyone wants to step out of line, cometojesus meeting or the front door... :huggy:
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#25 SpottedTApps

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Posted 01 August 2012 - 02:19 PM

Actually, the parents who want to be the kids' "friends" to make up for past dissapointments are doing the kids a disservice. I've had several friends and kids that I've mentored that will tell you they wish their parents had actually parented them instead of letting them flounder. They looked for those boundaries and struggled because they weren't there.

If you want to make it up to him, parent him. Tell him what is expected and why. Explain why you have set these rules/boundaries, that's it's because you love him and want him to have a good life that he can be happy in and proud of. In the heat of the moment he may not like it, but underneath, that's what he wants. He's always wanted a mom, not a friend.
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#26 QH_LUV_R

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Posted 02 August 2012 - 08:01 AM

Great advice Spotted. You can not parent a child out of guilt, it will cause you to choose the wrong discipline path every time. And if anyone thinks kids don't know this and are willing to use it to manipulate you, think again.

You need to move on from your guilt. You did it, you apologized for it, it's time to leave the it behind and give your son what he needs...structure, rules and stability. Kids are most secure when they have these things and can predict consequences for their actions.

When my two would stop being mindful of house rules or ignore me, I gave them a good shaking up. Like the time my son slammed his bedroom door out of anger...I promptly showed up with a screw driver and removed it...no more privacy. It took twice removing his door and he never slammed it again.

Change up the way you interact and discipline him, do something he would never see coming, rock his world so to speak so he knows this time you are taking a different tact and you mean it!

Best wishes, it won't be easy to undo behavior that took years to create but it can be done with patience, love and consistency.
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