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#1 GemEllie0613

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 12:14 AM

I'm sorry this is so long and thank you to any one who reads this. I met my bf last Sept, by Oct 31st we offically became a couple, for the first half of our relationship I was happy with him, he was a great boyfriend, now he changed, he's very immature, in the begging of our relationship he was looking for a better job, he works part time for min wage, now he just spends his day on YouTube, he's very clingy and smothering.
Here are some problems that have come up, I am a affectionate person but I'm not into PDA, I don't mind holding hands putting arms around each other, hugging and little pecks on the cheeck or lips, but that's it, he is the opposite of that to the point he doesn't mind making out in public, I've told him a 100 times I am not comfortable with that, one day he went to the store and stayed at the house, when he came back and told me about this couple that was hanging all over each other and making out and he felt envious of them, that stung, like I said I'm affectionate, but I'm not into PDA, he never seems to respect that, one time I wad talking to one of my friends and we were in the middle of a serious conversation and he did know this, in the middle of this conversation he steps in front of my friend and tries to make out with me, I immediately pulled back and got annoyed with him, he's tried to several times, he gets all pouty when I want to spend a day with my friends and not him, and I do spend a lot of time with him. He got upset instead of supportive when I got a full time job because it would take more time away from him. A whole week will go by and I won't even miss him, I don't want him to hug me or kiss me anymore, I know its time to break up, but here the major problem, I talked to him about all out problems, he promised to work on it, its been two weeks later and I don't even want to try and work things out, I just want out, a couple of days ago I was getting ready to tell him I wanted to break up, but before I could he said to me "I'm glad you gave me another chance because I would have to contemplate suicide if you left me"
Now I feel forced to stay in this relationship, I do believe him when he says he will hurt himself if I leave
In sweet and forever loving memory of my first horse Gemini "Gem"
March 18 1986-June 1 2006

Proud owner of
Elegant Gem 'Ellie' 5 year old Perch/Appy mare

Just Wright Josie 'Josie' 14 yr QH Palomino mare

He may no longer belong to me but he will always be my sweet boy
Granda Rojo 'Red' 12 yr TB gelding

and my sweet doggies Missy and Jasmine, and my sweet kitty Dodger
_ _ _ ______________________ _ _ _
I met a board buddy-Tazzin

#2 Heidi n Q

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 12:23 AM

I have NO respect for people who try to blackmail the ones they claim to "love" by threatening suicide. NONE.
Kick him to the curb as you tell him you're dialing the Suicide hotline for him.

IMO, as soon as someone mentions 'suicide' as a means to prevent you from doing something they won't like ... that should be grounds for an *IMMEDIATE* break-up, just like physical abuse. Because threatening suicide IS abuse. It is mental abuse and NOT okay.



Just for a laugh:
Tell him *you'll* have to contemplate suicide if you have to stay in a relationship with him! LOL

No. Don't ^^^ do that. If he is unstable you do NOT want to give him the idea of murder/suicide.

Edit to add:
If you break-up, he threatens suicide and you believe he will take action ... call 911 and give them the information they need to locate him and do a welfare check. They may also take him to a hospital for a mandatory evaluation. Depending on the eval, they may be released or will be taken into a psych-ward for a mandatory 72hr hold.

Edited by Heidi n Q, 08 August 2012 - 12:26 AM.

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#3 loopyhorse

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 07:26 AM

I have NO respect for people who try to blackmail the ones they claim to "love" by threatening suicide. NONE.
Kick him to the curb as you tell him you're dialing the Suicide hotline for him.

IMO, as soon as someone mentions 'suicide' as a means to prevent you from doing something they won't like ... that should be grounds for an *IMMEDIATE* break-up, just like physical abuse. Because threatening suicide IS abuse. It is mental abuse and NOT okay.



Just for a laugh:
Tell him *you'll* have to contemplate suicide if you have to stay in a relationship with him! LOL

No. Don't ^^^ do that. If he is unstable you do NOT want to give him the idea of murder/suicide.

Edit to add:
If you break-up, he threatens suicide and you believe he will take action ... call 911 and give them the information they need to locate him and do a welfare check. They may also take him to a hospital for a mandatory evaluation. Depending on the eval, they may be released or will be taken into a psych-ward for a mandatory 72hr hold.


^This. Look up some info on suicide help in your area and be prepared to call the appropriate number, etc if he threatens you with this again.
You need to get out, if he's threatening harm to himself, what will it be next time he needs another 'chance'? Threatening you? You can't let this go any farther! End it and then get him the help he needs.
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#4 E&CSchune

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 08:06 AM

You are not responsible for his mental or personality problems. He is using this as a way to control and manipulate your feelings and actions.

Drop him like a hot potato. The clinginess, whining, and constant pressure regarding the PDA is sending up a big red flag for me that he has the potential to escalate into dangerous behavior.

Do not let his 'threat' of suicide influence your feelings. Tell him that you do not see this relationship as healthy and that you are breaking up, and if he presses the suicide manipulation, advise him to seek counseling and leave it at that. IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

#5 dondie

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 10:36 AM

:huggy:

One of the best ways to break up. With out turning the boy-friend into a stalker or a basket case is to become the girl-friend-from-hades.

For a lazy guy, that means to be with you, he has to change everything!
Tell him you have decided to change your life and as your BF he has to change with you. Your now grown up, that means behaving like adults and making changes for the long haul.
Your going to give him a written or computer generated timeline with pictures of expensive cars, houses, horses, pets, infants and colleges for your future kids. Tell him that from now on...The two of you have long term GOALS that require both of you to change and sacrifice right now to make these goals a reality.
He now has to:
A. Get a full time, higher paying job (or jobs)to make X amount of money per month.

B. He has to get healthy and do X amount of exercise per day, per week. Sitting and playing games is unhealthy and he isn't allowed to do it any more or only has one hour per day to to it.
You will be there with a timer and take the power cords when you go so that he can't use it when your not there.

C. He has eat healthy to make the new goals and go on a Fit for Lifestyle diet that includes....NO alcohol, NO junk food, NO meat (or any of his favorite foods). Start making him take you to odd restaurants that serve only vegetarian.
Bring trash bags and help him to bag & remove any food or drink items that no longer fit into a healthy lifestyle. Get ammonia from the Dollar Tree and pour a generous amount into each bag so that it makes the food inedible & it stinks. Tell him it will keep him from being tempted to eat or drink any of it before the trash gets taken away.
Go grocery shopping with him to make sure that he buys the right foods.

D. He has to go to bed early to get up and experience his new life! Call or come over to make sure that he is up and getting ready to go to work or job interviews.

E. Use variations of the words..."That is so childish, we're adults and we don't do ______ any more." Anytime he wants to do something he likes or for things you don't like to do.

F. Friends who don't agree with the new goals, or tempt him to break them.
HAVE to GO! Sorry honey, so and so is a bad influence and you can't go out or visit him and use his gaming equipment!

He has this little comfie hole where he doesn't have to put forth any effort in life and eventually his girl friend will be able to support him into a lifestyle where he can quit the dead end job and play video games all day.
Dynamite the hole he's living in and drag him into the harsh light of a VERY uncomfortable reality.

He is going to get to the point that he wants to find a sweet, hard working GF who wants a lazy, couch potato who eats too much junk food and gets off on having people watch him make out in public.

If you hound him enough, he will be running away from you and all of your GOALS!
He breaks up with you.
No stalker
No suicide attempts or threats.

Edited by dondie, 08 August 2012 - 02:50 PM.

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#6 Designer Rose

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 10:43 AM

I just had to post, I went through something very similar. I was dating this guy for about seven months. In my opinion, it was seven months too long! He was not good for me, he would get mad at me for every little thing, he kind of in a way emotionally abused me, we had NOTHING in common, and our views on various different things varied a great deal. He had extreme issues with depression. There were times he talked of suicide, and he even said if we ever broke up he'd kill himself. Well, needless to say we did eventually break up, and guess what? He's still here. In the end, I kind of ended up making it HIS idea to break up. I kind of planted in his head that I thought we needed a break, eventually he started thinking maybe we really did need a break.
In the end, you need to realize that you are not responsible for him. It's his life, and if he doesn't choose to change it and make a difference, there's no reason you need to stay, especially if you're not happy.
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#7 ozland

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 11:27 AM

WHY have you put up with the butthead THIS long?

Edited by ozland, 08 August 2012 - 11:28 AM.

S'cuse me, gotta go iron my birthday suit.

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#8 E&CSchune

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 11:52 AM

:huggy:

One of the best ways to break up. With out turning the boy-friend into a stalker or a basket case is to become the girl-friend-from-hades.

For a lazy guy, that means to be with you, he has to change everything!
Tell him you have decided to change your life and as your BF he has to change with you. Your now grown up, that means behaving like adults and making changes for the long haul.
Your going to give him a written or computer generated timeline with pictures of expensive cars, houses, horses, pets, infants and colleges for your future kids. Tell him that from now on...The two of you have long term GOALS that require both of you to change and sacrifice right now to make these goals a reality.
He now has to:
A. Get a full time, higher paying job (or jobs)to make X amount of money per month.

B. He has to get healthy and do X amount of exercise per day, per week. Sitting and playing games is unhealthy and he isn't allowed to do it any more or only has one hour per day to to it.
You will be there with a timer and take the power cords when you go so that he can't use it when your not there.

C. He has eat healthy to make the new goals and go on a Fit for Lifestyle diet that includes....NO alcohol, NO junk food, NO meat (or any of his favorite foods). Start making him take you to odd restaurants that serve only vegetarian.
Bring trash bags and help him to bag & remove any food or drink items that no longer fit into a healthy lifestyle. Get ammonia from the Dollar Tree and pour a generous amount into each bag so that it makes the food inedible & it stinks. Tell him it will keep him from being tempted to eat or drink any of it before the trash gets taken away.
Go grocery shopping with him to make sure that he buys the right foods.

D. He has to go to bed early to get up and experience his new life! Call or come over to make sure that he is up and getting ready to go to work or job interviews.

E. Use variations of the words..."That is so childish, we're adults and we don't do ______ any more." Anytime he wants to do something he likes or for things you don't like to do.

F. Friends who don't agree with the new goals, or tempt him to break them.
HAVE to GO! Sorry honey, so and so is a bad influence and you can't go out or visit him and use his gaming equipment!

He has this little comfie hole where he doesn't have to put forth any effort in life and eventually his girl friend will be able to support him into a lifestyle where he can quit the dead end job and play video games all day.

If you hound him enough, he will be running away from you and all of your GOALS!
He breaks up with you.
No stalker
No suicide attempts or threats.



Dynamite the hole he's living in and drag him into the harsh light of a VERY uncomfortable reality.

He is going to get to the point that he wants to find a sweet, hard working GF who wants a lazy, couch potato who eats too much junk food and gets off on having people watch him make out in public.


I see this as having huge potential to backfire. Badly.

Trying to convince someone to break up with you is ridiculous. Tell them you are done and don't waver on that stance.

#9 Small Time Hay

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 12:17 PM

Get rid of him, he sounds like he's making you unhappy. Whatever happens happens, we have to take responsbility for our own life's.
If he truely loved you he wouldnt be using blackmail to keep you.
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#10 nightdreamer

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 12:26 PM

I think you and I both know that you should never feel forced to be in a relationship!!! He's just trying to back peddle and stay in the relationship b/c he is comfortable and getting away with a lot. It hasn't even been a year and it shoulds like it's already a mess. I say get out NOW, why drag it on.

You probably can't se it yet but from where I'm standing I can see a HUGE flashing EXIT Sign!!

#11 GiddyUpHighly

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 01:19 PM

I agree with the others, it is time to dump him!

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#12 equi-librium

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 01:24 PM

life is too damm short to be with someone that makes you miserable or uncomfortable.

shape up, or ship out on his part. if he cant behave appropriately, he can hit the road if he doesnt care enough to respect your wishes.

give him the boot and move on.
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#13 GemEllie0613

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 02:46 PM

Hi everyone, sorry I'm just replying now, I'm stuck at Jury Duty :(, I want to thank everyone for their replys and advice, I really appreciate it. I do know I have to end it, and despite his threat I'm still going to, I'm thinking about letting his mom know about what he said so she cam keep an eye on him and help get the help he needs
In sweet and forever loving memory of my first horse Gemini "Gem"
March 18 1986-June 1 2006

Proud owner of
Elegant Gem 'Ellie' 5 year old Perch/Appy mare

Just Wright Josie 'Josie' 14 yr QH Palomino mare

He may no longer belong to me but he will always be my sweet boy
Granda Rojo 'Red' 12 yr TB gelding

and my sweet doggies Missy and Jasmine, and my sweet kitty Dodger
_ _ _ ______________________ _ _ _
I met a board buddy-Tazzin

#14 dondie

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 03:16 PM

I see this as having huge potential to backfire. Badly.

Trying to convince someone to break up with you is ridiculous. Tell them you are done and don't waver on that stance.


If the guy has issues and you don't want it to get bad (ie stalker, verbal abuse, threats/attempts to take own life) setting up the situation so that the other one wants to leave. Actually, works.
You have to tailor the circumstances to make things he likes not part of the plan.
In twenty plus years, it's worked for driving boys and men to look for easier, lower maintenance girl friends or even wives.
If the guy is physically abusive, then going for help from professionals is the only option.
Guys will hold on to something they want, with a death grip.
Guys will drop and walk away from something they don't want.
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#15 Heidi n Q

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 03:35 PM

Make the breakup be *his* idea. Like reverse psychology: Right thing easy (leave) wrong thing difficult (stay).

I have the abilities of single-minded determination and pin-point focu... Hey, look! A horse!
croplegs0713.jpg


#16 kch84

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 07:29 PM

I agree, get out as soon as possible. I was in a relationship that lasted 5 1/2 years and the last 6 months I wasn't happy, decided to do something I knew would triger him to leave for the night ( we lived together) and once that happened he would be too proud to come back. It did get ugly as we had collateral together ( cars etc) I had to change my # because of the nasty/ harrasing things he texted me constantly. We became friends afterward, but he never really got over our relationship apparantly ( I thought he did). He askedto be together about 2 months ago and that "he changed completley" ( he was a very insecure and controlling person at the end) when I said no, he went back to name calling again and said he didnt want "a friend". We havent talked in over a month and probably wont for a long time. Moral, when you do break up, even when he does contact you after a period of time ( ie 6 mnths to a year later) be careful, me and my ex have been over for well over 2 years and this is recent.