BarrelBlondie22

The "circle Of Trust" Pt. Ii

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Sooo...

I am officially moved back into my apartment. I gotta tell you, it feels good. Lonely, but good. I went and spent the night at J's last night just for old times sake annnddd... He became intoxicated.

Lovely.

Anywho, he called me on my way to school this morning and said he was severely depressed. Apparently, he had a rough year financially speaking. Let me give you a visual... XXXXXXX <- thats how many numbers there are in the amount he lost. Ya know, I dont know what to do. I feel horrible for him. Its not like he just blew it out the window, it was just a hard year.

But it got me thinking, is this what I want?!?!

He has thrown himself into the things that he loves 110%, which is GREAT.

But that is what he wants. Is it what I want?

I dont know.

I dont know if I am willing to commit to a seven figure number.

So yeah, even though I try really hard to not let money be a ruling factor in our relationship, this is making it really very obviously difficult.

[Huggy] farming is NOT an easy life. when it's good it's good...when its bad its real bad. it really sucks when your job depends on the weather and there are no guarantees..droughts, floods....

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So, there is a guy I like. A lot. But you know the really wonderful thing? For now I am just so happy being friends. Don't get me wrong -- I would love for it to turn into something more at some point, but right now I just enjoy spending time together. And today I was talking to one of my best friends (who is super close to him) about his birthday which is coming up, and I was joking around saying I better be invited to his party, and she goes "Of course. ______ loves you. Like more than anyone." Oh my goodness, that has made me so happy all day. I wanted to ask her to clarify what exactly she meant by that, but I haven't told her I like him yet so I didn't want it to be obvious. And on Friday after homecoming (he was nominated) he gave me his rose. He is the funniest/sweetest/most down to earth guy in the world. Oh my goodness. And I'm happy, just with this.

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My time is running short. It's starting to hit me that I am leaving. *sigh* I hate the depression and sadness/break downs that hit me at various times. But Jon is always there for me. I flew out of the car before it was even parked when we got home and ran out to Lady and just clung to her. He gave me a few minutes before coming out to check on me.

But he bought me a gorgeous Sterling Silver cross necklace that has 4 small rubies (my birth stone) in the center with "glass" like overlay on the silver. Absolutely gorgeous. As well as a red teddy bear. Early Valentines day. : ) He was looking at engagment rings at Wal*Mart. Had he had $50 more, he would have bought the ring I showed him and asked me in the store. Oh, what a romantic. Lol.

Krystal: Hugs girl. I wish you the best.

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I'm alive. Just lurking right now.

[Huggy] to you, Tab. Those two days are going to come and go so fast - but sooner than you know it you will have April here and be going home to get your horse. (Oh, and the necklace sounds gorgeous!)

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Thanks Kristin. I know I can do it. It's just hitting me now. I keep telling myself that what would be the difference if I was still in the Navy or going out of state for college? There's not much of a difference. It's just goin' to be one heck of a culture shock on me.

Jon is staying at his mom's tonight. I am kind of happy about it. That way I can have some alone time and just take my time with things. Cry if I feel the need and get mad if my temper flairs without having to think about someone worrying about me.

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iiiii don't have much to say, i suppose. Life is good. except for the fact that he argued with his mom again tonight while i was there. But i don't think this one was actually one of the bad ones - he seemed to recover pretty well. I just hope she didn't not let him go to the gym because of it like she threatened to do - he's missed two days at the gym already and it makes him happy when he gets to go there cause then he gets to tan and he's happy when he's tan. (lol. poor california boy, stuck up here in the gloomy wintertime.)

I've been going to the basketball games to see him (he's in pep band) and those are reaalllly fun cause all the people in the pep band are ridiculously hilarious (LOL we don't even need cheerleaders...the band is louder than they are anyways, and they yell their own cheers more often!) and because i just like to be with him =] Last night's game was, on one hand, super fun cause he was just being such a sweetheart and we had some really hilarious times but, on the other hand, it was a little disheartening because he wasn't having a good day at ALL and he'd just found out that he wouldn't get to go to the gym that day. Gah, i just hate seeing him gloomy like that.

aaaahahaha. we've got sooo many inside jokes. like, our life is one big inside joke. My name is now Lucy, he's my gay lover, and all one of us has to do is mention chicken to have us both cracking up. Aren't inside jokes the best? lol.

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halp! i don't know what to do!

cause here's the deal: ever since my sister moved out of town i've been planning to move in with her as soon as i graduate, and last year we "discovered" Southern Oregon University, which is in Ashland and ashland is absolutely gorgeous so we were super excited to go there and be college students together.

So i'd basically had my life all planned out after high school - go to SOU with my sister. We've spent a lot of time anticipating this, and we've both been sooo excited about it. Every time i came home from visiting them i would get depressed and i felt like there was nothing here at home for me and i was just hanging on until i could get out of here and move in with them and that's what i was living for.

Aaaaand then brandon walks into my life. He's going to the college here in town. he's already not only been accepted to the college but also to the honors college. And he hates oregon. And i can't imagine living far away from him.

I really really really don't want to do a long-distance relationship, you guys. but i really really really don't want to tell ellen that i don't want to move in with her. i do! but i just don't want to have to leave here to do it! and i don't know what to do! and besides being torn between the two of them myself, i know it would be so hard on ellen if i didn't move in. she's so excited for it. she talks about it all the time. they just bought a condo near ashland and now...ugh. now i have to choose between this: "what color do you want to paint your room? i'm so excited for us to live together! we'll be college students together and we'll drink coffee and eat bagels and i'm so excited!"

and this: "you always make me feel better. when i'm around you i feel special. i feel like i'm important and loved. you make me feel so happy you don't realize it. :)"

=[ i don't know what to dooo.

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Me and Spidey are cool. I think we will be friends for a long time. To tell the truth now that I step back and look at it..He is more like my the Older Brother I never had. He IS the person I would call if I needed help or if I was in trouble somewhere and needed someone to come get me. Spidey would be the first to be called. We picks on each other and talk to each other like Brother&Sister I see that now. And Truthfully thats even better then what I was looking for before. He will always be there for me Always be a shoulder to cry on, a strong warm hug when I need it,and the person that can get my laughing when i need it most.

Now. To keep this on topic.

I think there might be a new player. We will call him J (boy there seems to be a lot of J's on this thread!)

J I know is a little older then me though he is not as old as Spidey.

He works at the tack shop in town and has helped me find a few things here and there.

I was going to go work at this tack shop and I still might.

He came out to the ranch(the barn) to ride the trails and I ran into him out on trail(I was trotting out and he was just walking as he was ponying another horse) When I met up with him I slowed down and said he was welcome to join me if he wanted to. He did. We rode the rest of that trail (7 miles) and talked the whole time.

I was in the Tack store last week and he talked to me for few minutes but I was with the parents so we didn't talk much.

I was in there again yesterday and we talked for 30-45min while he stocked gloves.

He said he was going to come out this weekend and ride. He would keep a eye out for me as he knew I was there every day.

While I was there talking to him he said I looked like I had lost weight and that I looked good.

He is a good guy. Trains horses on the side.

Random hopes and dreams I know! But thats that.

I wonders how Spidey will feel about J? That would be the real test.

Edited by EventDrifterChild

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So we're hanging out tomorrow night. Just chilling with some friends at our other friends apt. No big deal.

I still have no idea where this is headed. I have a pretty good idea that he wants it to go somewhere...

But where do I want it to go? Do I want to rope myself into another relationship, one that is a little long distance as he is an hour away? When I moving in May? My head says no - but this is one AWESOME guy. Like for serious.

IDK, clearly I need to speak with him on the matter.

His buddy D is all about continuing to play wingman - I told him A was a big boy and he could handle it ;)

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Corrie - Do notttt pass up the college you want to go to for a guy. Even if he's the sweetest guy in the world, believe me when I say you are still young and there's a huge world of experience out there. College opens lots of new doors for everyone and changes a lot of things.

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Corrie - Do notttt pass up the college you want to go to for a guy. Even if he's the sweetest guy in the world, believe me when I say you are still young and there's a huge world of experience out there. College opens lots of new doors for everyone and changes a lot of things.

but here's the thing. I don't care which college i go to. I really don't have any preference between the two - I only wanted to go to SOU cause it's pretty in ashland and my sister would be there with me. And I have no idea what i want to do/be/major in/etc, so at this point i'm just going to college to get basic courses over with. Which i can do here just as well as i can do at SOU.

Edited by mygoldfish

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but here's the thing. I don't care which college i go to. I really don't have any preference between the two - I only wanted to go to SOU cause it's pretty in ashland and my sister would be there with me. And I have no idea what i want to do/be/major in/etc, so at this point i'm just going to college to get basic courses over with. Which i can do here just as well as i can do at SOU.

That's good you have options then because lots of stuff can certainly happen between now and the time you make your decision. Let me just say from my experience that if you can, go to a four-year university like SOU. Community college is great for a lot of people, but if you have the choice, take the university. I fought tooth and nail against my father to keep myself out of community and it was 110% worth it. Again, every has their reasoning for where they choose to go, but you only go to college once!

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halp! i don't know what to do!

cause here's the deal: ever since my sister moved out of town i've been planning to move in with her as soon as i graduate, and last year we "discovered" Southern Oregon University, which is in Ashland and ashland is absolutely gorgeous so we were super excited to go there and be college students together.

So i'd basically had my life all planned out after high school - go to SOU with my sister. We've spent a lot of time anticipating this, and we've both been sooo excited about it. Every time i came home from visiting them i would get depressed and i felt like there was nothing here at home for me and i was just hanging on until i could get out of here and move in with them and that's what i was living for.

Aaaaand then brandon walks into my life. He's going to the college here in town. he's already not only been accepted to the college but also to the honors college. And he hates oregon. And i can't imagine living far away from him.

I really really really don't want to do a long-distance relationship, you guys. but i really really really don't want to tell ellen that i don't want to move in with her. i do! but i just don't want to have to leave here to do it! and i don't know what to do! and besides being torn between the two of them myself, i know it would be so hard on ellen if i didn't move in. she's so excited for it. she talks about it all the time. they just bought a condo near ashland and now...ugh. now i have to choose between this: "what color do you want to paint your room? i'm so excited for us to live together! we'll be college students together and we'll drink coffee and eat bagels and i'm so excited!"

and this: "you always make me feel better. when i'm around you i feel special. i feel like i'm important and loved. you make me feel so happy you don't realize it. :)"

=[ i don't know what to dooo.

Don't change your plans for a boy.

I know that it feels perfect and meant to be right now... but you're young. I felt the same way. Changed my college plans so I could be closer to him. And guess what? We broke up. I still regret it.

Really, it will likely be the biggest mistake of your life. If your relationship is strong and if it is truly meant to be then it will withstand the distance.

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That's good you have options then because lots of stuff can certainly happen between now and the time you make your decision. Let me just say from my experience that if you can, go to a four-year university like SOU. Community college is great for a lot of people, but if you have the choice, take the university. I fought tooth and nail against my father to keep myself out of community and it was 110% worth it. Again, every has their reasoning for where they choose to go, but you only go to college once!

Just have to pipe in, buuutttt, its not a community college, its a University. How would I know, cause I go there, lol. However, MyGoldFish - I will say you WILL save money with in-state tuition. And quite honestly, CWU is not that bad of a school. If I were you, I would do all your gen. ed. here, then if you finally figure out what you want to do with your life, then transfer, or shoot, stay here! CWU offers many majors and career oppurtunities. [smiley Wavey]

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Side note about community college, with respect that everyone is different, it was a very valuable and money saving route. Sure, at a university you get to take those mundane courses with professors, but it may not be necessary. You can save a chunk of money going the other way...I personally found it convenient. The pace is different, typically a little easier and true, you don't have big PhD professors, but you do learn as much as you apply yourself.

Ditto.

I'm going to one of the top community colleges in my state. Their nursing program is AMAZING..and to top it off, ALL of my education is costing less than one semester at a university.

I DID get in to a private college here in NC, even had a scholarship...but I passed it up. Living away from home just isn't for me right now. I'm the only one who can take care of my horse (everyone else is afraid, LOL) and i have other obligations here.

And honestly..I've spent time with my friends at the Universities they go to. I hate it there.

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I found out some things about Lance. I'm NOT happy about the whole situation. I feel very used right now and it's just not a good way to feel. I think he's lied about a lot of things...

But honestly I'm glad that whole situation with him is over. It's for the best and I really don't feel hurt or anything by it.

I'm crossing my fingers about something else though. It's a sticky situation and I can't post the details here, but I'm hoping things go my way. It's been a long time coming..

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kerosene - but see, like saudimack said, it IS a four-year university and it's a very good one too. so that's just one more factor that i can't use to help me decide, lol.

apache sky - i understand your point, but in this case the local university was my second choice anyways. In fact, even before the boy came into the picture i had thought about maybe staying home and going to college here just for one more year so i could show my horses here in 4H for one last year (i'll still be eligible to stay in the 4h program next year and i was really not looking forward to this year being my last year of shows in the forseeable future). So it's not like i'm deciding to move across the country for him instead of staying home, or something. in fact, going to college here in town where he is would be a lot less of a hassle.

and regarding in-state vs. out-of-state tuition: going to CWU would be a little more expensive, but SOU wouldn't be QUITE as drastically expensive as out-of-state usually is. this is because there's some program or agreement or something between certain states here in the northwest that means that i can go to SOU and only pay 150% of in-state, instead of full-on out-of-state tuition. Still more expensive, but like i said, it's not quite as bad as it would be if i were to go, like, across the country.

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Okay, this isnt a relationship I'm in..but...not good!

i'm really not all that pretty..so i came up with the magnet theory.LOL....

i think i have some sort of magnet that instantly attracts married men.

WHY ME?

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okay, question/opinions:

"you guys logically aren't in love because you haven't done anything physically and that adds a lot to love."

true? false? am i not in love with my boyfriend just because i haven't made out with him?

my two main arguments against this: love isn't all about physical activity, and making out isn't the only way to be physical. and i've been over this argument so much in the last half hour with a couple people that i don't want to elaborate on those or any of my other arguments. but...what do YOU think?

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apache sky - i understand your point, but in this case the local university was my second choice anyways. In fact, even before the boy came into the picture i had thought about maybe staying home and going to college here just for one more year so i could show my horses here in 4H for one last year (i'll still be eligible to stay in the 4h program next year and i was really not looking forward to this year being my last year of shows in the forseeable future). So it's not like i'm deciding to move across the country for him instead of staying home, or something. in fact, going to college here in town where he is would be a lot less of a hassle.

Yep, I went to my second choice school, too. It was also closer to home. I told people that I was doing it because it would be more convenient and an easier transition... all that. A lot of it had to do with wanting to be closer to him, though.

And I still regret it. Everyone told me I would... I just wish I would have listened.

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Corrie - that is an awesome question. I think this thread would get shut down or this post deleted if I said what I wanted to say, so I shall choose my words carefully. First off, there is no universal rule that fits everyone. What works for one couple may not work for another. I almost don't want to say it is centered around love, though love is a very close factor. Physical activity, whatever that may be, makes strong connections on another level besides intellectual. It gets very emotional, and because of all this, feeling closer to your partner and all, the bond and the love is strengthened. To say someone isn't "logically in love" is really, really dippy. I kinda laugh at that, because a lot of love isn't perfectly logical. There is no one requirement that once you meet it, you're in love.

Experiencing new (positive) things is usually good for a relationship - it ignites your senses, challenges you, gets your mind going (this could be as simple as concurring a difficult hiking trail or running a marathon, changing a tire). Think about couples who save themselves for marriage, or even withhold kissing until marriage...that means they aren't in love? That's silly. Physical activity is no requirement for "legitimate" love, however, it does greatly effect the relationship and can bring it to a whole different level. As people spend time together and their relationship progresses, they'll usually say they're more in love from point A to point B. Like married couples who say they love their partner differently than when they first married. Love changes, goes through stages. I've loved my boyfriend for a while, but everyday I say "You know, I have not loved him more than I love him right now." And the only thing to change is the amount of time together. Anywho, I'm probably rambling. Those are my thoughts, roughly.

Edited because sometimes I'm clear as mud.

Edited by Schatzl

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okay, question/opinions:

"you guys logically aren't in love because you haven't done anything physically and that adds a lot to love."

true? false? am i not in love with my boyfriend just because i haven't made out with him?

my two main arguments against this: love isn't all about physical activity, and making out isn't the only way to be physical. and i've been over this argument so much in the last half hour with a couple people that i don't want to elaborate on those or any of my other arguments. but...what do YOU think?

I highly disagree with the bolded statement.

Being physically "together" (and that means different things to different people) does not CREATE love or a bond, but is instead a SIGN or SYMBOL of your love or bond. Think about people who enjoy (or maybe even DON'T enjoy) random hook ups. That doesn't create love, instead it fills something like a void in that person because let's face it, humans are sexual beings. That doesn't mean we're raving sex lunatics or anything (though, some of us are) but it means that we WANT a "sexual" relationship, it's part of our programming to want to procreate (eventually). We, as humans, want to be needed/wanted by another human.

Do I think you're not in love with your boyfriend because you haven't made out with him? No of course not (personally, I'm not a huge make out fan. I really am not the type of person to just make out with someone because it's fun or I'm bored, lol) because love goes SO much deeper than that. When you're in love with someone, though, any type of physical "connection" is SO much more than that as well.

[Huggy]

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I highly disagree with the bolded statement.

Being physically "together" (and that means different things to different people) does not CREATE love or a bond, but is instead a SIGN or SYMBOL of your love or bond. Think about people who enjoy (or maybe even DON'T enjoy) random hook ups. That doesn't create love, instead it fills something like a void in that person because let's face it, humans are sexual beings. That doesn't mean we're raving sex lunatics or anything (though, some of us are) but it means that we WANT a "sexual" relationship, it's part of our programming to want to procreate (eventually). We, as humans, want to be needed/wanted by another human.

Do I think you're not in love with your boyfriend because you haven't made out with him? No of course not (personally, I'm not a huge make out fan. I really am not the type of person to just make out with someone because it's fun or I'm bored, lol) because love goes SO much deeper than that. When you're in love with someone, though, any type of physical "connection" is SO much more than that as well.

[Huggy]

Well said.

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Been there. Had that. They were the only ones that made me feel "pretty". It was bad.

Way more I could get into on that subject but I truly regret it all.

i dont flirt or lead them on at all..but it nevverr fails!

i'm sticking to my 4 legged men.

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everything is going just peachy with me and my boy! :)

This summer I was only a couple months from being done with my job so i could come to college. I had worked there for a year-ish. There was this guy CNA (i cooked at a nursing home) and i was never particulary friendly to him. I wasn't rude, just said hi and bye basiclly. Well this summer, he had signed up to have supper one night. I gave him his food when he was ready for it, and went back to getting my stuff together to serve to the residents. After he was done eating, he came up to me (and i mean RIGHT up to me) and whispered in my ear "i already have someone i'm courting, sorry" and walked away. I was basiclly going, what the heck?!?!

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Not much to update on. Just that things are going greattt.

We held hands today.

First time. =]

He's told me he loves me. In person.

He's just so sweet.

-happy sigh-

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*SIGH* here goes.

i now work for a pill. literally. i was contemplating doing it with a hypodermic needle today lol.

So boy is being SUPER stubborn. I know a few weeks ago he did go riding with me and saw me run the barrel pattern and he was like wow. Well my BF {M} called and wanted to know if i wanted to run in buckel serise with her. it's only 3 shows so i was like YEAH!! and she said she'd take me to all of them so thats a huge bonus for me since dad never seems to have the time and now he won't have to go so Boy won't have to deal with him nor would i. WELL, i told boy i signed up.... HE FLIPPED OUT!!!! he's still not supporting me at all. since i had to quit showing cows[my only TRUE passion] i figured it'd be a good time to start on a small dream like horses. well, he feels it's a waste of my time. and is ticks me off. we have argued over it for like3 nights now and he is like all against it. M's BF thinks it's great that she is so passionate about it and same towards me.

M's BF also admitted he does get bored but he finds stuff ot do since my Boy said he hates going to rodeos and they bore him.

I don't think he see's how much i give and do for him. ugh. and all i want is a little back. he doesn't see it at all.

oppinions??

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