FritzeyRIDER

Are You A Parent That Snoops?

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This wasn't sparked by anything, my parents don't and have never snooped, I'm just curious.

Do you "condone" snooping? Are YOU a snooper? Do you snoop with "just cause", i.e. you believe that your child is taking part in risky behavior, etc.

Would you read you child's journal/diary if you came across it in the house? If you did read it and found something you disapproved of, would you confront the child? Would you admit to snooping?

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I'm not a parent and don't ever want to be one, but if I were, betcha I'd be a snooper. I'm very nosy. I have to contain myself in certain areas when it comes to snooping because I know it's wrong to snoop through other people's stuff, but that certainly doesn't change my snoopy nature.

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You bet I will. I don't believe in "snooping", but you better believe that while my child is living under my roof, I will search her room with or without just cause. I won't do it behind her back, she will be right there watching. I want to know about what she has brought into my house, and what I could possibly be held accountable for. As a teenager she will have to submit to locker searches in highschool if needed. As an adult, she will face locker searches at the workplace.

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Yes I have and I got exactly what I needed from it. I found out my son is even more wonderful than I even knew.

As a result,.I respect his privacy now and his journals and private stuff is just that. His.

When i snooped it was because I was deeply worried about him and he was ashamed of things he felt and didn't know if he could talk to me.

We aired things out and our relationship is so wonderful now and he trusts me more even though he knows I snooped.

He knows WHY I snooped and does not hold it against me.

I trust him more now than I ever have.

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Does, hiring a private detective to check out your daughter's new boyfriend, who just happened to give you the creeps, count as snooping?

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I think it's the spirit of snooping that matters. I don't think it's a great way to build trust to go through your kids stuff like a drill seargent, but I do get checking things out because you're worried about your child.

Growing up, my family was pretty conservative. I molded my personality to fit the family... it kinda sucked. I could be me in my journals; if my mom would have read them, it would have crushed me. Not that I was ever bad- I think the worst thing I had ever did at that age was to forget to bring my gym clothes to school.

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Thru their back packs looking for homework, does that count? Otherwise no. We have a pretty good relationship. I know all and see all. Well...when they were at home that is. [ROTFL]

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Does, hiring a private detective to check out your daughter's new boyfriend, who just happened to give you the creeps, count as snooping?

Nope. That's smart.

ETA: if you found out something bad, what was your plan in convincing your daughter to stop seeing him? I can imagine the end result not going as well as you would have liked it to :)

Edited by barn boss

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I snoop for just cause. I also constatnly check to see if they are really where they said they were going. I am not a control freak and I like to let my kids learn to make decisions and live with the consequences but I do like to know what they are doing and who they are doing it with.

I have a pretty good relationship with all of my kids except for one daughter. She is sneaky when she thinks that her dad and I will dissaprove but it really doesn't matter so much now because she is 23 and on her own.

I have been albe to nip things in the bud by snooping into their business and don't regret it at all. I have never had to resort to reading a diary or journal, but I would have if I thought it was justified. I don't think that minor children have any right to expect complete privacy in my home where I can be held liable for the actions.

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Nope. That's smart.

ETA: if you found out something bad, what was your plan in convincing your daughter to stop seeing him? I can imagine the end result not going as well as you would have liked it to :)

I was going to present the facts, good or bad, when I found out. All I ended up finding out, was that he lied about the reason he had his driver's license suspended.

The reason I hired the PI in the forst place, is, the first time I met him, he wouldn't look me in the eye and every time after that...no eye contact.

I told my daughter all about what I'd done and explained why. ( she broke it off about a week later, on her own ).

there's a whole lot more, but I don't want to hijack someone else's thread.

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I have let her know that any moment of any day i may decide to rifle through everything she owns... if I wish. I don't, but I might if I feel i need to. I have checked her history and chat log on her computer when her step mom accused her of saying things on line and discovered that the kid was being honest with me and what step-mom was saying never happened. so in that case it worked out in her favor.

But I also believe that we all need some privacy. Her included. I check up on her to make sure she is where she is supposed to be and is doing what she is supposed to be doing... but... and here is the big one... the kid is honest with me. if i ask she will tell me. even if she thinks she will get in trouble. So I have very little "need" to snoop. And i have snooped enough to make sure that her stories check out in the past. So if she will admit things to me that other kids would lie to cover up... why should I snoop regularly?

That said, when i do snoop if I discover things she clearly intended to be private I keep it to myself. I know things about her life she has no idea I know, and she likely never WILL know I know about it. My snooping is ONLY to protect her... Not to get her in trouble for saying things I disagree with.

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My mother was extremely snoopy. Although I don't believe it was because she didn't trust me, I don't even think she realized she was doing it, but she is very into EVERYONES stuff no matter who it was. She was constantly going through my car, my back pack, my room, everything. But it was just the way she was, and I had nothing that she would have been surprised to find anyways.

I don't know if I will be a snoopy parent. I think as long as communication is open, and I let my children know that they can trust me, and talk to me about anything, than I won't have any reason to snoop. But if I have a child who is sneaking around or being dishonest, than I will probably tell them that their personal belongings will be subject to searches at any and all time until they are on their own.

Edited by Reiner0227

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It is my house, and I am ultimately responsible for their safety. If I feel in my gut a need to check things out, I will. And I will do so with a clean conscience. So far though, they have been pretty straight shooters. We have always talked about things. I am hopeful the straight shooting won't change.

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I am one of those very open parents....

My 16 yo claims that my openness is worse than anything. I will talk to him about every and any subject bluntly. I lay my mistakes completely on the table.

I feel no need to snoop. If I accidently run across something then yes I will read it. I admit it but I will not go looking for anything.

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My parent's aren't really snoops. I tell them most things that are going on in my life. So there's no real need for snooping.

They tell me that they check my texts online, but they definitely don't. I would have found out a longggggggggg time ago if they did. LOL

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Growing up my mom always told us that we needed to respect privacy, but she always made it clear that if she were worried about us not telling her something important or if she thought we had something we shouldn't have that she would go through our rooms, diaries, etc. but with us in the room, opening up the opportunity for us to tell all. She went through mine once, with me sitting on the bed watching, read my journal, found nothing. Apologized but explained her reasons and we went on with it.

I think it's important for kids to trust their parents as much as it is for parents to trust their kids. Snooping without giving the kid the opportunity to come forth and be honest is wrong.

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I clean the rooms...or at least I grab everything and throw it all into the middle....and they clean it up. They are open books.....no sneaky sneakers yet. #3 kid is showing signs of being the "hiding" type....sneaky sneakyish stuff comes from him....I'm gonna have to be on my toes w/ him....

My teen is such a mama's boy...I get more info than I really want to hear most of the time.

But, I will go thru the notes all folded up that I come across and in his desk stuff....lots of writings, poems and notes to friends (he is aspiring to be a writer/teacher/news caster...in that order, I guess) so poems are all over his room....they are cheery and hope-filled and observant...never dark and sad and lonely...I was told those are signs of trouble.

#2 is what he is...he is special ed. , so he is all in front of us all the time....he is sweet in his simpleness....too easy in that respect...you gotta love him for that...

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I haven't been a snoopy parent with either of my girls. I spent a lot of time with both of them as children and teens, and that helped. I think I should have been a bit pushier with my oldest though. She got pregnant during her senior year of HS. I had talked to her about BC but told her to tell me when she needed it - which she was too shy to do. She didn't ask her child about it - just took her! Live and learn - guess she knows from personal experience about that one!!!

I have a problem with snooping - but if I saw any druggy or depression signs I'm sure I'd go there.

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I actually asked this because as I was watching TV this afternoon, a commercial for one of those password journals came on. I never had one or kept a journal, but I had friends that did and those friends had parents that were the type to just read the journal/diary because they "could" and I always felt really weird that they parents didn't feel comfortable just talking about them.

I'm "on board" with snooping with just cause, such as when a parent catches wind of their kid being involved in something iffy, or if the kid is struggling with something. My parents were that way with my brother, but it only happened once and after that he didn't feel the need to hide anything from him. They didn't want to get him in trouble, they wanted to help them.

However, I have a problem with parents who just...go through their kids stuff all the time, just because, especially when it's a "good" kid. For ME it would be very weird/hurtful for my parent to be that distrusting of me, but I grew up being very comfortable talking to my mom and dad.

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I don't do it, myself. Partly because when I was a teen, I did some things my parents wouldn't have approved of, but I got through it, I came out okay anyway. I hold that confidence in own kids too. They might experiment with different things, they might date the wrong person, they might lie to me about spending the night at a friends house while in reality they are camping outside with a group of friends (and beer might be part of the picture) things which would make me get all mad at the time, but in the larger picture? Not that serious.

I figure that a good base of trust must exist between us so that if they do fall into some more serious problems, then they WILL come to us of their will and search out our aid. If I had destroyed some of that trust by snooping, I am afraid there would be less chance of having that emergency line open between us.

The thing is, I am all too aware of the need for kids at a certain age, to break out beyond the limits to feel their own individual will develop. With many things, they will come back to our values later, but feel they are doing so out of their own choice, rather than just being forced to. IF we have raised them with a decent amount of admiration and respect for who we are and our judgement.... which again, might be damaged by snooping behavior.

Edited by Bluesma

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My Parents don't do it now, but they did. I remember being really young (around 7-9) and discovering boys, I especially enjoyed being around one friend in particular and have drawn hearts and " i love hims" on a peice of paper. I put it away in my folder where I kept all of my sacred papers and drawing. I came home the next day after school only to see all of the (assumed) personal papers plastered on the fridge, followed by heckles and questions by my parents and other family memeber whom were company at the time.

I was so imbarassed and depressed after that I would never talk to my parents about anything up untill 2 years ago. I'm 19 now and never keep or kept anything personal in my room since that time. I've always earned great marks in school, never drank or done drugs. And now that I can legally drink I rarely do and I'm very responsible.

Even being such a stright arrow I feel I HAVE to hide things from my parents and not tell them anything. I don't trust them with my words. Snooping with cause? Sure. Snooping because you have nothing better to do then make what you find public, can ruin your parent/child relationship.

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I think if I suspected something was wrong i would snoop but not for no reason. Only is I had valid suspicions. My parents are not snoopers at all, but I wouldn't have anything to worry about if they did snoop. I'm the "good" child LOL Even if they did find something though, such as alcohol, it wouldn't be a problem. They know I drink occassionally and they really don't mind, as long as I don't do anything stupid.

But if i suspected something was wrong, you bet I'd pull a Sneaky Sneaky and do some snooping.

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The thing is, I am all too aware of the need for kids at a certain age, to break out beyond the limits to feel their own individual will develop. With many things, they will come back to our values later, but feel they are doing so out of their own choice, rather than just being forced to. IF we have raised them with a decent amount of admiration and respect for who we are and our judgement.... which again, might be damaged by snooping behavior.

I agree. I KNOW some of the "sneaky" things my daughter is doing (not so much from snooping as just from knowing a lot of people in the area who know what ALL the kids are up to, and because i remember being her age, lol). They are the exact same things i did at her age (maybe a little younger). I consider them a normal and even healthy part of growing up and becoming an adult. I also know if I asked her about them directly she would come clean with me, because she has in the past. But I let her keep her secrets. As long as i don't think it is really dangerous.

I came home the next day after school only to see all of the (assumed) personal papers plastered on the fridge, followed by heckles and questions by my parents and other family memeber whom were company at the time.

I was so imbarassed and depressed after that I would never talk to my parents about anything up untill 2 years ago.

My family was like this too, but not bad enough to post things on the fridge. Yikes. I couldn't tell my mom ANYTHING without her mocking me, teasing me, and telling everyone she knew and getting step-dad and little brothers in on the joke. She didn't know I had a steady boyfriend for almost three years, because when she found out I liked a boy when i was 10 she made a huge obnoxious deal about it. NO WAY was i going to tell her ANYTHING if she was just going to mock me for it.

I actually kinda jumped my MIL's case for teasing my daughter about her first boyfriend. That was simply NOT allowed here. When MIL said, "It's all in good fun." I told her, "No, it is not. it makes them afraid to tell us anything because of fear of being teased... and when it comes to issues with boys I NEED her to be willing to talk to me, not to have her hide it for fear of being mocked and made fun of."

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I lived with my Grandma growing up and she was horrible. There was nothing sacred and she would wake me up in the middle of the night to ask me about this or that she found.

I made sure to hide anything I didn't want her to see outside of the house.

I learned to be EXTREMELY sneaky and private because of it. I'm still very private and hate it when my husband simply gets in my purse to get my keys. I also don't like him messing around on MY computer. He's never done anything snoopy to me but I'm just funky like that. I am an adult now and have nothing to hide. If someone wants to know something they can ask me.

I had an ex also that would go through my car in the middle of the night. He pulled out a book of matches that was from the previous car (just moved the glovebox junk from one to the other). I knew that relationship was coming to an end when he woke me up at 3AM shoving some Spaghetti Works matches in my face wanting to know WHEN I WAS THERE??!!!! *eye roll*

Snooping may be justified but beware the consequences. I don't trust ANYONE who goes through my stuff now. It would be the end of a friendship and/or a very very HUGE fight if it was family.

I wouldn't tell my Grandma a secret today if my life depended on it. If she wants to know she can go snoop through my crap. Good luck with that 800 miles away.

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My kids know i have a free pass into all of their "tech" communications. Text messages, Facebook accounts, etc are all mine to oversee so they better be watching their Ps and Qs. Would i read a written journal? Not without asking.

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I'm actually pretty surprised at how many parents on here snoop...

My parents never once snooped on any of my stuff, not emails, facebook, aim, texts, phone calls...anything... they've always trusted me and vice versa.

When i was younger my parents always talked with me a lot about most everything, if we ever got into an argument we'd sit and we'd talk it out and they'd be sure i understood where they were coming from and vice versa, they were always very good with listening and made sure i knew i could tell them things and i've usually done so. My dad especially has always been very good with communication and most of all, they've always been fair. Any punishments i've received were fair and i was always sure of why what i did was wrong and why i was receiving the punishment i was getting, i really feel like them explaining all this to me and being so willing to talk everything out really built up the trust between us lessening the need for snooping.

I never really lied to my parents (especially about anything serious) and even when i did i'd come clean within 10 minutes, i was always a good kid and my parents and i were really good when it came down to communication, if i was frustrated with something, i'd tell them about it.

I think that as long as the lines of communciation between parents and child are open, snooping shouldn't really be necesssary. My parents always put a lot of trust in me and if they were in doubt of anything they'd just talk to me about it...no snooping needed!

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I'm a snoopy parent. I do check my child's facebook and texts on a random basis. I'm not so much concerned about what she is saying as about some of the things her friends do and say. I've gone so far as to "unfriend" one of her Facebook friends because the kid was using some inappropriate language in his posts. She can't drive yet so if she goes anywhere with someone besides me, I have to know who the parents are, talk to them, know where they are going, who will be supervising and what they will be doing. When she is old enough to drive, I will check up to make sure she is where she supposed to be. I may go so far as to put one of those GPS tracker things on her car. I don't search her room but I do go in there to put clothes away, straighten up, etc. If I suspected anything wrong, I'd do a full blown search. I read notes I find in pockets when I'm sorting laundry and I occasionally go through her backpack to check on school work and I read notes I find there too. I don't mention it to her unless I find something that concerns me. I tease her a little bit about boyfriends but I don't try to hurt or embarrass her. I think its horrible and emotionally abusive for a parent to put a kid's personal notes on the fridge to humiliate them

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I do, and my kid knows it. Granted, she's a really good kid. I don't read her diary. I do check her facebook page, and I read her texts, occasionally, mostly to make sure her friends are being appropriate. I explained to her that, as a minor, she has no rights, and since I own the computer and I pay for her cell phone, I do have rights. So far, she's given me no reason to intervene, though, and I expect that to continue!

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Mrs, I'm with you. One too many times getting in "trouble" for something that was completely benign or didn't happen at all.

Even though I'm not in the same position now, I am very private about my things. Like, it would really bother me if D2 went out to retrieve my travel mug from the car. There's nothing in my car that's a secret (horse stuff....lol) but for some reason, it just gives me the creeps.

If I have a door to a room shut in my house, it would really bother me to have someone go open it uninvited. Example: My spare bedroom has nothing in it. The closet has some summer clothes, that's it. I keep that door shut to keep the dog out...but it's a shut door and I don't want anyone going in there.

My dad didn't stop at snooping. He went so far as to tap the phones and record conversations at his house. Funny thing is that I knew this, so one time in my infinite wisdom as a teen, I set him up and had this elaborate convo with a boyfriend...boyfriend knew it was a set up too. It didn't pan out so well. He showed up at my mom's, called me lots of inappropriate names. My mom slapped him for talking to me/about me that way, and he pressed charges.

It never mattered with him whether or not he was interpreting things wrong. If he *thought* he had caught us doing something he didn't like, we were punished regardless.

I've also been in relationships like Mrs described where I was literally followed, my email account was hacked, etc.

As a result, like I said, I'm pretty private about my "stuff". As such, I'm very respectful of other people's stuff. I wouldn't even use D2's computer for about the first 6 mos we dated. Now I will, but I always ask first.

So no. I would not snoop for the sake of information gathering for fun. If I were concerned that there was something inappropriate/unsafe going on, I might. Like if we thought the kids were doing drugs or something. But otherwise, their stuff is off limits.

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Parents that read texts/FB messages/what have you to "check on" friends....what are you plans if you find something you don't like? It's not your child so it's not like you can punish them? Forbid your kid to see them? I think that's a little extreme.

Kids are kids/teens are teens. They're going to talk "inappropriately", I don't really see it as something to be concerned about unless your kid is having explicit sexual conversations or whatever.

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