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Sjw88

Not Having My Family At The Wedding?

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My Grandmother told me hurry make the wedding she's not doing well.

My mother tells me my Grandmother and my aunt can not travel plus they can't make it up the stairs. I live on the third floor.

Both women have been a huge part of my life. And Grandmother had a huge part in raising me since my parents worked so much. She really wants to be there.

My father is her only son she's always wanted to see him walk me down the aisle.

I'd really like to do it at my house because of this. Plus then my family will be there. Or else they won't come.

My SO says NO will not happen. He is NOT doing it. He plans to work that day in the am (great hope he shows up to the wedding in his tux not barn clothes) He can't take off he can't just leave work to go out and get married. So... uh... Wait... umm... then WHY THE HECK ARE WE LEAVING FOR A WEEK TO GO TO NC TO SEE YOUR SISTER?!!!!!! ok moving on.

He says it's not fair for his family to drive that far. (4 hours) And yes I do understand that and yes I do agree. But honestly I have no one to sit on my side. My friend that's helped me plan this and her hubby that's it. I wish I was joking. My parents will come regardless.

He wants his family/friends at the wedding. I get that. I guess his brother ONCE again his brother I guess won't drive that far. My parents house is big enough for EVERYONE. And they call all bring their children as well. And if everyone wanted to stay they could get hotel rooms. Because again NO one is staying at my house the night of the wedding. That's just awkward.

Does any of this make sense? I'm just so emotional right now. He called the wedding off. Because he will not do that. I also really wanted my uncle to marry us since he's a minister and I'm having the hardest time getting a hold of the court to call to get married there. Which I didn't want because I wanted nice pictures.

I guess we can record the whole thing so my Grandmother can see it? But again I don't see how it's fair to ME that YOU can have YOUR family here but mine can't come because of the drive and YOU won't budge. I wish this whole thing never happened. It's been to stressful. My Bff and I where going to go to davids bridal today. I was so excited. I feel so stupid. My mother says to just think it over but it's your day. I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT'S MY DAY. I've been planning this WHOLE stupid day around his brother his family their kids. Wait not his kids but her kids. I hate it. I really do. I told him to think about this before he did it. Stupid boy. And of course where fighting and he refuses to speak with me. This is NOT how you enter a marriage this is not how you show you love someone by being to mad to speak with them. I always told him talking is the key we need to talk about everything be open not throw ourselves. Yeah that lasted a week.

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If it were me, now this is just the way I feel. I would tell him to buzz off.

But that is just me. I just have never been one to put up with that kind of garbage.

Someone will come along and maybe give you better advice.

I can give you a cyber hug :huggy:

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Wow... I agree with Becaco. You obviously aren't high on his list of priorities. I can only see lots of frustration and pain in your future. I would and have drove four hours on many occassions to support my wife and her family. Let alone for something as meaningful to you and your grandmother as your wedding. So much in there just screams red flags.

Good luck.

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:huggy: I can't really offer any great advice. The only thing that popped into my head is why is he constantly throwing a wrench into everything. First he was upset about the kids, now this. Does he REALLY want to get married? Cold feet or stalling? I am not saying he doesn't love you, maybe the reality hit him.

Personally I am with Becaco if he isn't that into accomadating your wishes to include your family maybe just let him go. I am sure you don't want to hear that or do that but will he always be this hard to work thru stuff with???? what about if you guys have kids one day. How will you decide whose family to see at Thanksgiving, Christmas.....

Sorry I know I am not saying what you want to hear. So here is another :huggy: just bc.

good luck.

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If he won't even give a little for your wedding day then I'd hate to think how the marriage will be. Marriage is a relationship that two people work together.... not One person getting everything their way.

A gal's wedding day is supposed to be all about her. He doesn't even seem to care if you have any happiness on this event.

Personally, if it were me, I would be done with the whole relationship. If he doesn't love you enough to compromise on your wedding day then he doesn't love you enough. (period).

It sounds to me like you haven't met Mr. Right yet. When you do, not only will you be head over heels in love with him but he will be with you too. Love cares about the other person... it isn't stingy or selfish. :huggy:

(edited to fix spelling)

Edited by trailhoss2

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Wow... I agree with Becaco. You obviously aren't high on his list of priorities. I can only see lots of frustration and pain in your future. I would and have drove four hours on many occassions to support my wife and her family. Let alone for something as meaningful to you and your grandmother as your wedding. So much in there just screams red flags.

Good luck.

:notworthy::notworthy:

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No I've thought about all this before. The kids thing. Hahaha not gunna happen but say it did I don't know what I'd do.

But yes the whole family thing who see's who at what holiday. Right now we don't see my family on holidays we did one x-mas eve for a few hours.

It's just so far his car is some what new he doesn't like to put those kind of miles on it. 3 hours home from where we live.

I was hoping to save enough for a car so I can go back and fourth now and again. I hardly get time off work that doesn't help.

He just says find some where else to get married. Like what half way? Rochester? I don't even know where or anything around that area.

That just doesn't make sense but I figured what he meant but I could be wrong.

:bang_head::bang_head::bang_head::bang_head:

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If he won't even give a little for your wedding day then I'd hate to think how the marriage will be. Marriage is a relationship that two people work together.... not One person getting everything their way.

A gal's wedding day is supposed to be all about her. He doesn't even seem to care if you have any happiness on this event.

Personally, if it were me, I would be done with the whole relationship. If he doesn't love you enough to compromise on your wedding day then he doesn't love you enough. (period).

It sounds to me like you haven't met Mr. Right yet. When you do, not only will you be head over heels in love with him but he will be with you too. Love cares about the other person... it isn't stingy or selfish. :huggy:

(edited to fix spelling)

Sadly I have. His name's Chance. he's my cat. I love him to bits. Well that's the crazy cat lady in me coming out. I always said if this didn't work out no more men. Human ones anyways I was going off and doing whatever I wanted like getting a 3rd cat. And a horse. And I should start with a car...

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No I've thought about all this before. The kids thing. Hahaha not gunna happen but say it did I don't know what I'd do.

But yes the whole family thing who see's who at what holiday. Right now we don't see my family on holidays we did one x-mas eve for a few hours.

It's just so far his car is some what new he doesn't like to put those kind of miles on it. 3 hours home from where we live.

I was hoping to save enough for a car so I can go back and fourth now and again. I hardly get time off work that doesn't help.

He just says find some where else to get married. Like what half way? Rochester? I don't even know where or anything around that area.

That just doesn't make sense but I figured what he meant but I could be wrong.

:bang_head::bang_head::bang_head::bang_head:

Sounds like his new car means more to him than you do. ...and I'm not trying to be harsh with you. I'm just saying that in all honesty someone who loves you ...I mean REALLY loves you..like enough to marry you and spend the rest of their life with you. They are not going to think about the mileage on their car. They are going to be thinking about how happy it would make you to get to go visit your family.

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:questionicon: Sorry, but it sounds like he always has an excuse. Personally I would feel better about driving a new car longer distances. It would be in better shape, get better gas mileage, less likely to break down......so when it gets older will he say the car is too old to drive that far????????? just wondering..... I don't want to sound negative, but this is your life. It is up to you to live it.

I know you say no on the kids, but I didn't have abby until I was 34!!!!! Yep, that's right! I'm an old first time mommy! You may change your mind, I did. And even without kids, you should still get to swap up on the holidays to see family and friends....

Just take some time to think it over. Maybe try taking yourself out of the picture and think what you would tell someone that was in your shoes.

Definately get that car so you can have some independence!

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:questionicon: Sorry, but it sounds like he always has an excuse. Personally I would feel better about driving a new car longer distances. It would be in better shape, get better gas mileage, less likely to break down......so when it gets older will he say the car is too old to drive that far????????? just wondering..... I don't want to sound negative, but this is your life. It is up to you to live it.

I know you say no on the kids, but I didn't have abby until I was 34!!!!! Yep, that's right! I'm an old first time mommy! You may change your mind, I did. And even without kids, you should still get to swap up on the holidays to see family and friends....

Just take some time to think it over. Maybe try taking yourself out of the picture and think what you would tell someone that was in your shoes.

Definately get that car so you can have some independence!

Half of my first 1500 miles was driving the 6 hours to Andi's. What else is a car for, other than getting to places that are too far to walk to, or would take to long to get to by horseback? I wouldn't have driven my previous car to Andi's, too many problems; but a NEW one, heck yeah!

It sounds like he has no interest in whether you are happy. To me it sounds like this is 'just something else that needs to fit into my busy schedule' to him.

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:angel3::huggy:

I don't really know what to say.

It seems he's being pretty selfish, but to say ditch him, when you obviously love him enough to marry him, seems harsh.

He's a man, they get childish (with the whole not speaking thing)... THAT he will get over.

Maybe you guys could offer to pay some of the gas for his brother if you have the wedding somewhere so your grandma can come?

I think video taping the wedding is a great idea. But I also understand how important it is that your grandma be there in person.

Very difficult situation. I'll be praying for you guys.

My grandfather raised my sister and I... well, mostly raised us as our mom worked a LOT and our dad... well.... *sigh*... anyway, all I ever wanted and dreamed about was Paw walking me down the isle when I got married.

When DH decided to ask for my hand, he talked to my grandfather (Paw) first. He knew if Paw didn't give his blessing, there would be no reason for him to even mention it to my dad.

After he proposed I set to planning our wedding. Complete with Paw walking me down the isle.

The week before the wedding Paw informed me that he wasn't going to our wedding. He just didn't do weddings. He didn't go to either of his daughter's weddings, and would have skipped his own if he could have still gotten married.

I was crushed, but I did understand.

My dad walked me down the isle. It was a lovely, beautiful wedding... and afterwards, we had the limo driver take us to Paw's so he could see us all spiffied up in our fancy wedding clothes.

He was mowing grass when we got there. He saw me get out of the car and had tears in his eyes.

I understand the importance of having your grandmother there, especially with her WANTING to be there.

Talk to your future husband, calmly, rationally. Let him know you understand that he wants his brother there...... but it's important for you to have your grandmother there too.

And if you can't come to an agreement..... maybe have NO ONE there, for either side? Civil ceremony, then plan time to spend with the family afterwards? Even if you have to do it on seperate occasions?

:angel3::angel3:

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Your choice of men isn't working out very well. How is THIS one better than the one you just got rid of?

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I am not going to pass judgment on your fiance. I'm sure that he'd tell a different side of the coin and he may well have good reasons too.

But is this really what you want to live with?

I have people coming to my wedding from continents away. My family is not in the same state. My grandmother has decided she "can't come" because she has company (her sister--also invited to the wedding)--when the reality is, she just doesn't want to travel, and that's fine.

Your wedding is for you guys. If you guys are not on the same page as far as what is important with regards to the wedding, how to see this panning out in the future? Is his family always going to come first? Is that okay with you?

For me, that woudln't fly.

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It's just so far his car is some what new he doesn't like to put those kind of miles on it. 3 hours home from where we live.

Wow just wow!!!!! The best kind of miles to put on a car is highway miles, or so I have been told.

You are old enough to make up your own mind and do what you want....... BUT ........... I really would seriously rethink this relationship.

Pssst... from one cat person to another, I say stick with the cat.

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Wow, if hubby treated me that way he wouldn't be my hubby. Hubby is very considerate of time with my family as well as I am with his. Your guy sounds super selfish and totally self absorbed. If he won't take time off for your wedding or make you being happy on your wedding day a priority when is he going to make you a priority?

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You can always just find a judge with a nice outdoor area and get married, just the two of you. Not only does it save $$....but it stops all the bickering. You can plan a reception later, with everyone if you choose. BUT, if you really want your family there and he is not being helpful- forget the guy...dont regret getting hitched to someone who only thinks of himself...ahhh...BUT one could say the same thing about you?,,, if it's too hard to meet in the middle- just can the whole thing and make it just you two and a judge....

My husband and I found a judge that had a nice flowered archway outdoors and his associates stood by to be our witnesses- No family involved.

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so wait...He doesnt want HIS family and HIS friends to travel to YOUR familys home so that YOUR ailing grandmother can watch YOUR father walk YOU down the aisle...he also wont take the day off of work to get married? well i guess that just leaves all those empty seats for his friends many kids to come and crash your wedding. how convienient for him..

this is a preview of the rest of your life.

Edited by Horsefeather

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Oh I admit my choice of men sucks.

Just got ahold of the BFF wedding planner and she's furious. She even see's well if you do it at your mom's you can save money. My mom will pitch in with food all of my family will and everything else. She just asked that his parents buy the booze if she covers everything else. But I said ahh no that's not gunna happen. I'll pay for it. She even said FINE you can have pizza if you want.

I don't like the preview.

And as for the cat he's #1 I plan to get a 3rd. I might as well start collecting now.

And I get friday is pay day for him. But uh, well How the heck is he guna make it at 1pm?? When he doesn't usually get out until 4? or 3? or 2? This does upset me it's our day and he can't even seem to make sure he has enough time to get ready. Im nervous about him making it. Heck I don't even know if I'll show second time isn't a charm either.

His family ALWAYS coming first like it has so far 2years is not ok. With me at all what happens if we have a family? then what? He has bailed on his brother once because they wouldn't allow the dog but that I think was more for the dog then me. I don't like being home alone really late at night and then taking her out. Not in this neighborhood anyways.

I am about to say forget this NO one is coming. Just us and we'll do something later. But that;s not what I want either. But I do for some reason feel SUPER awkward getting married infront of his family for some reason. Maybe because if we do it this way I know that besides my mom and dad and 2 friends it's going to be all his side?

I actually stopped saving for the wedding and my extra check is going towards a car. Crappy or not I must get one asap. Just because of something like this or when I want to go home if I ever had days off.

*sigh* he said sorry. then pick another spot but doesn't know where and then he doesn't care if his side doesn't show up but he's not going out to my families place. :( I always wanted my horse to go with me down the aisle too. Not sure if he's guna fit in the house (kidding only tried that once at 16) and Novembers cold to be outside...

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I maybe biased. I don't believe in marriage. I think living your life with someone without getting married isn't a huge deal. Considering the divorce rate is over 53%, what the heck is the rush.

That being said...

keep in mind I do not know you, but based on Ozland's post, I am assuming you recently got out of a different relationship- with evidently, a man not worthy? And you are already in another relationship, about to get married???? :questionicon::thud:

Based on what you said about this dude, he certainly is not taking your feelings into the equation. Of course there are always two sides to a story, but this story is sounding all around, very crappy.

Do you REALLY want to marry someone who doesn't want to put mileage on their car, for the sake of your happiness?

Do not walk away- RUN away! How long have you two been together?

I honestly never have gotten why people are in a rush to get married. Take your time...find the right guy.

However, I will say, I have technically been single for about four years. My last relationship had lasted four years and since then, I haven't been in any **serious** relationships because I haven't found the right guy. I am not in a rush, if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't, I have a man friend I can call up when my physical needs need to be met.

Being alone does suck, but it is a lot better being alone than to end up stuck in a relationship that you don't want to be in. Tread carefully grasshoppa.

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I would say think about extending the engagement much longer. If he truely isn't putting any effort at all or consideration what will the relationship be like after the "I DO"

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This is forever we're talking about.

At least for now..... :rotf:

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If you know your choice in men sucks.. walk away. Seriously. why waste years of your life with the wrong person? This is really who you want to spend the rest of your life with? I've married before to the wrong people. it sucks. If you have the negative thoughts and red flags now, it'd be silly to get married. Divorce sucks, it's expensive in many cases and just a long drawn out process. If that were me in the same situation, i'd run far away. The right guy will come along when you're not wasting time on someone who clearly doesn't care about you. he might apologize and say he's sorry a million and one times. He is selfish and always will be. It doesn't sound like either of you are ready.. and to be honest, getting married is never going to change that.

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I agree with the poster (sorry, I didn't catch who, as I scanned the replies) Elope, go to a JP, or you can be with your family ----- YOUR DAY-----and he can be with his family, and get married via computer , I do's and everything...... suggest that, maybe he'll understand the importance to you, especially for your Grandmother. Remember, this is NOT his brother's wedding to accomadate him or the rest of the selfish almost in-law family.

(I may sound harsh and I'm sorry, I'm in a foul mood with everyone around me)

Good luck to you, I hope you can come to a happy medium, or as suggested, wait till you know it is DEFINATELY time and HE grows up :huggy:

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... if it's too hard to meet in the middle- just can the whole thing and make it just you two and a judge....

IMO, I'd "can the whole thing". Period. NO wedding.

This:

"he said sorry. then pick another spot but doesn't know where and then he doesn't care if his side doesn't show up but he's not going out to my families place."

... is BS. Complete and utter cow-puckie. His behavior NOW is your preview for all your tomorrows if you remain with him.

IS that what you want or do you envision something else for your life?

Enjoy him 'for now' and know that it won't last or leave ASAP and find somewhere and someone else to live and be with.

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They will always say I'm sorry... ten minutes before they do it again.

This isn't a preview for life to come... it gets MUCH worse after marriage.

Personally, I would stew on it and not give in. He's not compromising, so show him the other end of the spectrum. Don't give in. He'll do one of three things, let you have the wedding were you want, so your family can be present, pester you to have it in a place where neither of you are happy, or keep it called off. If its the last, honestly? Consider yourself lucky that you did not marry someone who cares so little for you. Its not one's words, but one's actions that say "I love you". Has he been saying I Love You in this relationship, or has he been saying "Its all about me and my family"? If its the first, you got over a hurdle, but be prepared to work hard everyday for your marriage, because problems like this don't magically disappear on your wedding night when you are legally and permanantly tied to the person. They are brought into starker contrast. Little quirks before marriage turn into things that will make you rip out your hair after marriage. Just think long and hard about if you always want to be second. Marriage is about putting someone else's needs before yours (well, most of the time). Sounds like you have it down pat. Him? Not so much.

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Does any of this make sense? I'm just so emotional right now. He called the wedding off. Because he will not do that. I also really wanted my uncle to marry us since he's a minister and I'm having the hardest time getting a hold of the court to call to get married there. Which I didn't want because I wanted nice pictures.

He called the wedding off? Well, why are you even talking about this anymore, then? I would say, fine...see ya.

I know, I know, this is coming from someone with enough years behind me to not take crap like this anymore. I can understand your frustration and wanting make this work. But, learn now. Don't go through life "trying to make this work".

He obviously is not as eager to get married as you are. :huggy:

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I just have one thing to say.

I lived with a controlling husband for 23 years. I missed the last 10 years of my mother's life seeing her maybe 6-8 times in those 10 years because she lived 5 hours away and he didn't want to go. *I* could go but he made me so miserable the whole time I was there, even if just for over night, and then the angry, silent treatment when I got home that it was just too much hassle mentally to go. MY fault, NOT his, because *I* should have just said "screw it" and went and gave HIM the silent treatment. But I didn't, and my mom died without me having spent enough time, I felt, with her in the last 10 years.

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