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Mudder

Something Mostly For The Men Out There I Need Your Perspective

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One of the guys where my husband works is planning a guys only fishing trip. Personally I have no problems what so ever with that. One of the other guys he works with said he'd have to get permission from his wife first. :twitch::shocked: <---- that was my reaction when hubby told me that. Now apparently I must be a freak of nature, cause I thought oh how cool. I hope they have a great time, especially my hubby. I don't give a hoot if all they do is get drunk and play poker. Just go have a great time with the guys!! :yay:

Now, I got asked to go on a shopping trip to the city, with all the wives. :shocked::shocked: They want to SHOP!! :twitch: Not where I'd shop that's for sure. Neither for as long as I'd like to shop there, and then quite possibly walk out with nothing at all. I'm not into shopping for cloths. Nor am I into spending upwards of 1000 dollars or more on cloths. Then there is the mani/pedi, hair and massage day. Ok massage I could go for. And I have no interest in sitting in a bar, getting drunk, making goo goo eyes at other men. I think of the money they want to spend shopping simply because their guys are going on a fishing trip!! :twitch: I could buy another horse with the money these ladies are dropping on cloths, hotel etc. Not that I would mind you, the two horses I have are enough for me. I just don't think it's in my best interest to do something out of spite. If he can go on a 3 day fishing trip, then I can go....

My idea is hubby goes on this weekend fishing trip with his friends, and I load up my horse and go for a day of trail riding somewhere. I think of quality me time at home, where I don't have to cook, I can take a long bubble bath, drink a glass of wine and read in the tub, without interruptions. Or maybe have a few friends over for dinner drinks and a chick flick. :confused0024:

Another thing these guys mentioned was having to give up their toys (quads snowmobiles and other such types of (mostly) guy toys) because their wives/girlfriends didn't like them or the time they spent using these toys. Not to mention hockey, ball teams and so on. No more poker nights (or very few), no shooting pool with the guys, attending football games and so on. Gotta keep the little woman happy. In my head I'm thinking what kind of wives/girlfriends do these guys have? It kinda floors me. I'd never expect my hubby to ask for permission to go anywhere or do anything. He did say he would first find out if I had made plans that he didn't know about. I'd also never ask him to totally give any/all of his hobbies up. I know what I'd say if he told me I had to give up my horses. I'd expect him to compromise on them when circumstances require it, and try to include me in those hobbies I might find fun or interesting. For example. I don't care to fish, but I'll be more than happy to bait his hook and run the net. He doesn't ride horses, but, he does enjoy riding in a wagon on trail rides. We compromise. Yes we spend time together doing stuff together but I don't want to be with him or he with me all the time. I encourage guy time, as it allows me to do things that I like to do that hubby doesn't. Just as he encourages me to go riding with friends and he stays home or plans guy things.

So I guess maybe I'm not like most women then, or at least not like the women around here. I don't get these women and they sure don't get me either. I told them if I wanted a dog I'd get one, make it beg, do every thing I say and keep it on a leash. So I guess what I want to know is, is this really happening in relationships? And if so, why? What exactly is the woman giving up then?

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I sometimes think that the "ask permission" term is used in place of checking with the spousal unit to see if that fits into the schedule.

That said there are some couples who operate on that whole "permission" and spite thing and I've seen it. It never ends well.

What worked well for us and our friends and team mates was that we all scheduled regular guys' days out and girls' days out. The guys could plan whatever, usually going up into the hills to rock hound or just hang out, and the girls would do whatever they chose. We just made sure never to schedule those for the same weekends because someone had to be at home to mind the kidlets and the critters.

As for not being allowed to have 4 wheelers and the like because their wives don't like doing those things, that seems to fall under the "permission" and spite category and I don't really get it. Again, that's not going to end well because what do they really have in common other than kids, joint bills and a house?

Why would a guy marry a woman whose sole focus is so completely opposite of his own? Fishing, boating, target shooting, four wheeling, hiking, there should be at least a couple outdoor activities that these couples share. I know some that do have a deal to not share certain things, such as hunting, but they do it in a positive manner. Couples meet up at one of the homes at oh-dark-thirty, a huge breakfast is made and served. The guys go out hunting and the women either go shopping, not necessarily to buy stuff, or hang out and craft. Then everyone meets up again after dark to hear the hilarious hunting stories and enjoy one anothers' company.

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Mudder,

I don't get a thrill from fishing, but since some of my trail rides have been with other women, I do appreciate my wife's thoughts on it first. Since I'm up front with her it has never been a issue. It's never a problem if she wants to meet the girls for lunch or if I want to meet some guys for breakfast. Like you & your hubby, we've developed a trust of one another, what is a marriage or any relationship without trust? Best Wishes. PD

PS Missed You

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I LOVE it when my husband goes on his twice a year "boys only" field trips. I don't necessarily lie in the tub, but I eat whatever I want, when I want and do whatever I want to do without having to "align" with him. he asks if i'm okay with it everytime, but I think it's more a common courtesy thing. either way I say "go forth and enjoy" (and don't let the door hit you on the way out haha).

on the flip side of that coin though, I went to Copenhagen with a girlfriend last year and he wanted to join us. I told him firmly "NO", and he sulked for a week afterwards. do they expect us to stay at home and keep the hearth fire burning or something?? it was the first time I had taken a trip without him just for fun in 20 years. in the past it was always to attend to business or sick family (responsibility associated trips).

people shouldn't underestimate the importance of friendships for both men and women. sometimes these kinds of outings are just what's needed to renew those bonds.

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I know guys who have to ask permission and have wives that "revenge" shop.

Personally I don't ask permission nor expect my wife to ask me for permission to day anything. We let each other know what we are doing as a courtesy. A few times a year I plan a bachelor weekend to the Twin Cities, stay in a hotel alone and do some things with friends that live down there. My wife encourages it as I do with her getting away for a day or two. We do discuss big purchases but again, no asking permission and no "you bought this so I'm buying that". We are two independent people that have formed a very successful partnership in life.

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I miss you too PD. :wub: We are very often on the same wavelength. :happy0203:

Wolfhaven yes. that's what I wanted to label it, but couldn't come up with the words. Revenge shopping.

Maybe it's a younger generation thing, cause most of these women are much younger than I am. I'm thinking if this is how the younger women think, then there are a lot of unhappy marriages out there. To my way of thinking these women are very immature and selfish, and perhaps playing at house. :confused0024:

Edited to add: this I'm seeing a lot more of in the last few months, and I'm shaking my head thinking...really? Seriously? What kind of women are these guys hanging out with?

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2015/05/01/why-men-wont-marry.html

Edited by Mudder

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wow. just read the article on your link. words cannot describe how I consider it the ultimate in bs. I googled the author--phyliss schlafly's niece. that should say it all.

in a word-I find the whole concept of having to ask for "permission" between two partners, well, "dysfunctional" and not to be confused with discussion/communication.

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Hubby checks with me before making plans for himself. He does this because I'm the one that keeps the family schedule and he has no clue if there is already something going on on any particular day. He's not asking permission, he's making sure not to double book himself or us. If what he want's to do will cost money, then we discuss and see if it's in the budget or not. He does guy stuff and I do girl stuff, we just make sure not to do it on the same day. Someone has to watch the kiddo :)

A marriage is a partnership and communication is key. We sometimes have communication issues, he is very logical and I'm not, so sometimes messages get mixed up. When that happens, we have to go over it again and make sure both of us understand what is being said. We have been married almost 8 yrs. Hubby was 25 and I was 22 when we got married.

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After 28 years of marriage, my hubby will check with me to be sure there is no conflict in scheduling. I have no problem with him going "out with the guys" or off on a fishing trip. In return, I check with him before scheduling things and he has no problem with me going out with the girls. As for giving up his toys, not in this lifetime. I stubbed my toe turning off the alarm clock for many years on his "project motorcycle" in our bedroom! I have even encouraged him to buy a couple of "his" toys! He in turn helped me with the horses when we had them, helps me with my goats now. We do discuss major purchases to make sure it won't break the bank.

Communication and trust are the keys to a great relationship. A good sense of humor also helps.

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I just say, " I want to do...this, or, I'm thinking about doing that', hubby says, " if you want to, do it, or, get it', whatever the case may be.

I take, vacations, every once in a while, alone.

My vacations are Doctor appointments in Arizona, I get a hotel for a couple of nights, go to my appointment and, spend some alone time in the room, relaxing. I need that time to myself, which is why I have kept my eye doctor, my family doctor and, neurologist, in Arizona.

My husband goes twice a year to Phoenix, ongoing training and, meetings with management. The company puts them up in a nice hotel, meals included.

He has never said, but, I'm sure he looks forward to his alone time, as well.

After 40 years of marriage, even having been together most of our lives, we still do appreciate a little alone time, once in a while.

Ask for permission to do those things? Not bloody likely!

Edited by equicrzy

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When my hubby comes to me with something he wants to do I tell him what I think of it good or bad then he does what he thinks is good. I am not his mother and do not tell him what to do. Why would someone be married to they feel they have to mother? As far as revenge, marriages don't last that have that kind of thinking. If a person needs to get revenge against someone they are supposed to love, they should probably stay single. I've never understood that thinking. I am a cheap skate and have problems spending a lot of money on clothes. Hubby buys me nice stuff for birthday's and such because he knows I won't spend it on myself. We don't always have the money to do it so I appreciate it and take good care of what I have.

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I've known couples who do the revenge shopping and have been married for years. They recognize it and have adjusted. It works for them. I know one guy who plans for her spending when he is looking at a new toy. He knows she will spend twice what he spent so when he saves money up he takes it into account. He also doesn't ask, he just buys and brings it home. She asked him once why during an argument. Simple reply was she was going to yell at him when he asked and yell again when he brought it home. This way he only has to deal with her wrath once. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission I guess.

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I've known couples who do the revenge shopping and have been married for years. They recognize it and have adjusted. It works for them. I know one guy who plans for her spending when he is looking at a new toy. He knows she will spend twice what he spent so when he saves money up he takes it into account. He also doesn't ask, he just buys and brings it home. She asked him once why during an argument. Simple reply was she was going to yell at him when he asked and yell again when he brought it home. This way he only has to deal with her wrath once. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission I guess.

I can't imagine they are all that happy though living with that tension. Oh well whatever works I guess........

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I feel that revenge shopping is for those who didn't get past middle school in their emotional development. We worked out a deal where if one got a costly item, i.e. a new weapon, then the other got something of equal value, i.e. jewelry, outdoor equipment. It worked out great until we both wanted the same hunting rifle. lol I eventually got it, but I'd rather have my spouse back and still be arguing about who got to use it when we went hunting.

That trade off also worked with what we and our friends called girls' or guys' nights out. That worked wonderfully, too. We discussed them, planned them and executed them, sometimes with our spouses' input. We've done the same with weekends and vacations from time to time. That space is necessary to keep the relationship healthy.

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I don't feel like I need to 'ask permission', but I DON'T just agree to things where my husband isn't invited with out a conversation with him first, and that goes both ways. It is more of a matter of respect than anything else IMO. Our lives are together, if I'm removing myself for a day or a week from our normal operations, letting him know about it before committing to something seems like it is the right thing to do.

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I've seen husbands/significant others who play the "Revenge game" too. You bought a new dress, I get something of equal or greater value too!

So it isn't just women who do this.

The thing that stuns me is how many couples treat each other in a mean spirited fashion!

I saw a guy in his late twenties who was laughing and using his camera to record his wife falling down and crying about her scraped legs on a trail! No "Honey are you okay?" while he was running to help her! It was more important for him to have something on you-tube for people to see! :angry:

A lady that lives in the same complex as two of my clients, swears that she "Deeply loves her new hubby!". When he got hit in the parking area by a speeding twiten-ager she ran out and was screaming about "MY CAR!" :shocked:

What ever happened to "care" and "concern" for a loved one???????

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