equicrzy

Just Want To Run Something By You, See What You Think.

Recommended Posts

Okay, where to start. My sister has reconnected with a friend from our teen years, a male friend.

They started talking, first on FB, then on the phone.

My sister is 58, he is 60, so we're not talking kids, here.

My sister is single, he, is not. He's been married for a long time, he has grown kids and, grandkids.

He tells my sister he's been very unhappy for many years, he says he and his wife don't live as husband and wife, he says she ignores him and, treats him badly.

They are planning on meeting, to talk and, to see if there's the same connection they feel in person, as they do over the phone. This guy says, he is just waiting for the right time, to leave and, if he feels a connection with my sister, he'll do it.

My sister has been unhappy, lonely and depressed for quite a while and, now, since talking to him, her daughter says she's happier than she's ever been. I fear she's pinning too much on a fantasy that she has concocted in her head, as to how perfect it's going to be.

I also fear, this guy is just feeding her a bunch of bull, and, she'll be terribly let down and, hurt, falling back into depression.

Sister tells me, she's going into it with her eyes wide open, with no expectations, she says she knows there's the possibility he won't be able to leave........ He says he isn't sure he can, because his son and grandson live with them and, he's half of their support....... Anyway, sis says she isn't expecting anything, but has to give it a shot.

I bite my tongue a lot and, try to stay out of it, because, if I say even the littlest things, sis shuts down and, I don't hear from her for a few days.

What are your thoughts on this? How many red flags were raised? Do I say nothing, stay out of it?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

May I speak freely? I have recently been betrayed by my husband and my..."best" friend. They planned it.
I had no idea my husband was thinking like this. SHE claimed to love me just five days before all heck broke loose....so.....

Your sister will be a homewreaker right along with him in this.
He is probably a cheating man and has done this before. Sorry that is the patteren I see in the support groups.

I'm sorry but your sister should NOT get involved with this guy. Just my lurker two cents.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I totally agree with MissouriDun...but what are ya going to do about it? You have no control over what your sister does, don't let her drama influence your life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I told my sister to look at it from the wife's perspective..... despite what he's telling her, because, she hasn't seen/talked to him since she was a TEENAGER! That's one of the times she didn't speak to me for 2 days.

I also told her, his family is going to see her as a homewreaker, despite what he is telling her about not having a real marriage.

I told her, he's sneaking around, waiting until his wife is at work to call her, or, he's making excuses to go to town, so he can call, that doesn't look like someone who is so unhappy with his wife, he wants to leave.....looks more like someone who doesn't want his wife to find out!

She tells me things, asks what I think, I tell her, honestly and, she doesn't speak to me for days.

I am now waiting to hear if they met like they had planned, he had to wait until his wife went to work, then meet my sister someplace. Does that sound like a guy who wants to leave his wife?

Edited by equicrzy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I did, suggest she not see him until/unless he actually did leave and, filed for divorce.

I got no response.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You loose a man the same way you get one. If he's cheating with her. He'll cheat on her. She needs to run far far away from him. She's a well grown adult. If she thinks this is OK then nothing anyone says is going to stop her.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with you all. No matter what I say or how I say it, doesn't matter.

My sister had a boyfriend who cheated on her, she knows how that felt, my dad left my mom for another woman, she saw what that did to her, still, she doesn't seem to care she might be making someone else feel that way. Yeah, yeah.....he tells her, he's so unhappy and doesn't want to be with his wife anymore and, she doesn't even consider he might be lying.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

She needs to tell him to man up, leave the wife. Get through all that goes with divorce THEN start shopping around for a new spouse.

My ex cheated on me so I'm a little touchy on the subject. IMO its a coward move. In our case he dated his now wife for at least 6 months before he left me for her. She was also married. Now they are married to each other. It wont last. Relationships like that never do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I did tell her that. I told her to wait until he decides it's time for him to leave, if he ever does, THEN see him.

She says, he wants to first be sure there's a connection between them.....I was like, WTH! So, he wants to be sure there's another woman waiting, before he leaves his wife!? If he was so unhappy, as he claims, the circumstances wouldn't matter, he'd just do it.

I've seen what cheating does to people, I feel for those who have been in that position, I remember my sister calling me and crying because her boyfriend cheated, which is why I don't understand her doing it to someone else. All she can say,is, " his marriage is over, they don't live as husband and wife". Okay,so tell him to PROVE it, or it goes no further.

Edited by equicrzy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot pole - if he would sneak around with his current wife, he would likely do it to her as well. Being unhappy in a relationship doesn't give you permission to be dishonest.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I'm not saying anything else to her about it, I suppose she has to see for herself, she certainly isn't going to listen to me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with everyone else. Suggest your sister call the wife and have a chat since she's so sure they don't live as husband and wife anymore. Hes a slime ball, and she's falling for it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's actually a good idea. I know he's not going to leave, though, otherwise, he would have, being so unhappy and all. So, she'll see the truth soon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe she can drive over and knock on the door while the wife is home. The wife's reaction (or even his reaction) should be all she needs to see the light.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

yeah, yeah, they all say their wife doesn't understand them, they're married but living separate lives, blah blah blah. Same ole story with all of em. Even if your sister does "win" this guy, all she's getting is a guy who cheats on his wife. What a prize.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would be able to support her a lot more if, the guy wasn't married. Despite what he's telling her, he's still living at home.

I haven't heard from her in over a week, since I asked her to put herself in the wife's place.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

equicrzy, If this man is trully interested in pursuing a relationship, he should be divorced already. That would be a clue to your sister that he is more sincere, other wise this looking for love in all the wrong places. You can only give your sister advice, & hope she really thinks this through, before leaping. Best Wishes. PD

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your sister is an idiot or delusional. Or both.

When she crashes into a deeper depression after she finds out that he is a lying pig.

Get ready to help your niece if her mom tries to or does kill herself. She might be forced into having her mom committed into a psychiatric center and she will need all of your love and support dealing with her mother's mental health problems.

:huggy::angel3:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know, she's acting like a love struck teenage, who thinks everything is going to be perfect, like she has it pictured in her fantasy.

My sister has, in the past, mentioned suicide, but, said she wouldn't do that to her daughter. She has been off and on antidepressants, does well for a while then, says they quit working.

I think, she's at this place in her life where she just thinks, so what, I deserve to be happy, so, she doesn't care, for the moment, what the situation is.

My niece and I have had many discussions about her mom, because, she has called both of us, complaining and crying about how she hated her life. We talk to her, convince her to see a doctor, she does, things seem better, then, one of us gets another call.

I think maybe, she isn't speaking to me now, because, she doesn't want me to ask questions she doesn't want to answer or, face.

She hasn't answered my calls or texts. If something was wrong, my niece would call me, her mom lives a couple miles from her and, sister's grandson spends a lot of time there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yikes, I wasn't aware of her mental health issues. Is there perhaps a way you could somehow discretely alert the scumbags wife as to what's going on? Have her nip it in the bud before it all gets way out of hand? Or just tell the jerk to stay the heck away from your sister. At any rate, I hope things work out and your sister isn't too upset by the whole ordeal.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The only way I know of to get in touch with her is, through FB and, I don't have it anymore. I knew the guy many years ago, when I was maybe, 15, he was a little older and, I remember him having two girlfriends at the same time, my sister also knew this.......of course, he was just a kid and, my sister says that isn't the case now.

I think, the best thing for me to do, is, nothing. She'll call me when she's ready and, my niece will if she has any concerns.

My niece did tell me, a couple days ago, the guy's wife knows but doesn't care, as long as he continues to pay the mortgage...... I don't know how she knows that or, if it's true.

I think I need to stay out of it, I've voiced my opinions, she knows how I feel about it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree that this is sister's situation to handle. You've voiced your concerns, very valid concerns I might add, and she has chosen to ignore them. I fear to her detriment.

I do not advocate contacting the scumbag's wife - on the off chance she does *not* know what is going on. If any contact is to be made, it should be directly with sister and scumbag. Both are being selfish and I doubt either will listen to reason, especially when they have convinced themselves they "deserve" this attention. Well, in a sense, I guess they do deserve it. (sorry, that was harsh)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No, it isn't harsh.

I am trying to remember she's my sister, but, there's no difference in the way I feel about what she's doing and, if it were a stranger.

She won't listen to reason..... if this guy is so unhappy, why does he need for there to be someone waiting in the wings, before he leaves? Supposedly, he's been soooo unhappy for years.

Just waiting for sis to either call, or text, the last text I sent her, went unanswered.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

He wants someone in the wings because he's a coward. If he were truly a man he would suck it up. Tell the wife and get out of that relationship before ever thinking of moving on. IMO she is no better then him if she's having any sort of relationship with this man before he's out of the current relationship. She's nothing more then a home wrecker. Even if both parties in the marriage are miserable she will still be looked at as the cause of their divorce after many many years of marriage.

Sorry, this is the same thing my ex did to me. Touches a nerve. All parties involved need to pull their heads out of their posteriors. Get their current situations straightened out THEN move on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Staying out of it is usually best. You can't live another adult's life for them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now