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little cow

Has anyone not been sexually harassed?

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Its obvious you have NO clue how many men are violently raped every day. Some are gay, some are not. It is also a proven fact that a woman CAN violently rape a man. Being one, you should KNOW that little thing has a mind of its own in certain circumstances. Also, there is more than ONE way for a woman to rape a man, MOST of them violent. You really should THINK!

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 Men may not experience the same level of violence, but, I can only imagine, the trauma of being forced against your will, is none the less, traumatic.

 Then, there's the other aspect of a false claim....the ruination of a reputation, perhaps even, a marriage a family a job...all because of a false accusation.

 In most cases, even if the accusations are proven false, nothing changes, the man still walks around with that stigma. I'd say, that's pretty traumatic, having to face people who might still think you guilty and, treat you differently.

 I've known cases where a woman falsely accused a man of sexual assault, to get even for something, then, she went on with her life while he tried to prove himself innocent... For the rest of his.

 We all agree, I'm quite sure, that sexual assault, by either gender, is unacceptable, but, the man usually comes out the loser, whether or not, the accusations are true.

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27 minutes ago, noponies said:

Its obvious you have NO clue how many men are violently raped every day. Some are gay, some are not. It is also a proven fact that a woman CAN violently rape a man. Being one, you should KNOW that little thing has a mind of its own in certain circumstances. Also, there is more than ONE way for a woman to rape a man, MOST of them violent. You really should THINK!

There, I fixed that for you to take out the personal verbal assault of a poster. Also, adding a link to a credible source will help you prove your point.

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47 minutes ago, jubal said:

There, I fixed that for you to take out the personal verbal assault of a poster. Also, adding a link to a credible source will help you prove your point.

I see even HAT didn't sink in for you. Thanks for the mental rape.

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 I respectfully disagree with you,  but you have a right to your opinion, as I have a right to mine.  PD

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On 1/5/2018 at 7:51 PM, equicrzy said:

It's a man's fault, if he lets a woman manipulate him?  Yes, generally speaking, as in, she's using him for his money.  If a woman, wanting to get ahead in her career, goes after the man she knows can make it happen, in a sexual manner, she's just as guilty as he is, maybe more so, because she SET OUT to do it.

 Sexual misconduct, by either sex, is wrong, just plain wrong, but, women do it just as much, if not more, than men, the men are usually just too macho to admit they've been assaulted....by a woman.

 No, it isn't a woman's fault if she receives unwanted looks, touches or, comments.....in most cases..... I have to say that, because, I've known/seen too many women who would do anything to get the attention of the opposite sex, women like that, give all women a bad name.

 Im just being honest, here, I mean no disrespect to anyone, it's just, when you've seen it in action.....well...

A man that allows anyone, male or female, to manipulate him is absolutely responsible for allowing it. Sex or gender being involved in the manipulation has nothing to do with it, IMO. This is akin to blaming the victim for the rape. She should not have dressed/acted/spoken that way or been in that place, kept that company etc. It's not smart to walk down the street naked but it is also not an invitation to be raped. You think when a woman sets out to manipulate a man, he does not set out to get his reward for giving her what she is after with the manipulation? 

Unwanted attention is not the victim's fault in any case, not in "most" cases, in any case. The men who offer the unwanted attention lack self-control. We ask for more self- control from our dogs on a daily basis. Men don't get a pass for any misbehavior because they are men and she was cute/sexy/naked/drunk/an escort/disabled/mentally challenged/a CHILD/(see where I am going with this?)

Women who misbehave also do not get a pass because he was cute/sexy/naked/drunk/an escort/a subordinate/peer/disabled/mentally challenged/a CHILD/(see where I am going with this?) People, male and female, should be held accountable for sexual harassment or assault. It really doesn't matter what the circumstances were when the harassment or assault occurred. The victim is NOT TO BLAME in any way, shape, form or fashion. 

 

On 1/6/2018 at 11:13 AM, noponies said:

What I'm referring to are the women who CLAIM violence when none was involved, simply because things didn't go their way, or because there was a chance for money or notoriety.And this DOES happen a LOT.

I don't think it happens that often in reality. As with most everything else in the world today, we only hear about the ones that are considered news worthy. A female employee falsely reporting a supervisor for rape will not make the national news. Not so with famous people. A report like that against a famous person is newsworthy and does not need to be true, just reported.

On 1/8/2018 at 3:20 AM, little cow said:

The liars make it worse for those seeking justice.  I remember a case where a woman lied about being assaulted and she actually did jail time for what she did.  That is unusual though.  There should be stiffer penalties for lying.  The damage done is hard to undo.  

Agree. I work with a woman who falsely reported sexual abuse against a male supervisor. Ruined his career even after she re-canted. He was terminated, she still works here. She should have been terminated when she admitted lying about her report. They did have a consensual relationship and he was her supervisor so he got what he deserved. She did not suffer for lying about the abuse because he refused to continue the relationship. 

I work in an adult male prison. Men certainly are victimized by each other AND staff on a regular basis. If it can happen with alarming regularity in this controlled environment, I can only imagine how often it happens "out there". I do think men are more reluctant to report and hope that will become less true. For what it is worth, men also report false allegations for personal gain or revenge. Inmates know we are required to restrict staff contact with inmates who have made allegations against that staff member. They use this requirement to "get rid" of officers who are too close to discovering, or have already discovered, some sort of misconduct by the inmate. I think the investigation is easier here than it is "out there" but it is still not easy since most of the allegations are he said/she said with no real evidence. 

What a world we live in, huh?

 

 

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Just a quick update.  Things are in motion.  More pain caused by recent discovery that my mom knew my brother was coming after me and did nothing.  She sacrificed her little girl for her favorite son.  I knew she lacked a certain capacity to love, when it came to me, but that was harsh.  I always sought out mom figures.  I have a Colorado mom and a Florida mom.  Mom types adopt me, even as an adult!  I always wondered why so many wanted to mother me.  I guess it just felt natural to loving type people.  God provides what we need sometimes.  I find myself not lacking in any maternal instincts at all.  Hubby says I'd nurture a cockroach, if he put fur on it, LOL!  It does seem natural for me and why I gravitated towards being a 'helper' (teacher, medical, fire fighter, etc...).  Heck, I even mothered my sailors when I was a naval officer.  

Anyway, I should have another update by the end of the week, for those that know the story.  

Edited by little cow

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CL, so sorry your mother didn't protect you. Sounds like my mother. Mine was bi-polar.

Edited by Danyel

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I think mine has borderline personality disorder.  But she still loves my brother and, especially, my half brother.  I think it has more to do with jealousy and choosing to be nasty.  She doesn't get a pass.  The funniest part is that she fancies herself a great feminist.  Right.  Except when you hush up your own daughter's ""Me Too" story.  

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LC,   Sorry your mother failed you, when you were young, & being assaulted by your brother.  But you have survived & become srtonger, because of it, & glad you had other women that gave you what your own mother couldn't.  Just proves that family is much more than blood, it is the love of other that is given freely & unconditionally.  I have 2 blood daughters, but have several 3rd daughters, most of them from the horse world, that didn't have a strong father or mother figure in their lives. Never invited another young person in my life without Mozelle being part of it.  She was there for them as much or more than I was.  Everybody needs to feel part of a family,  & as you know it doesn't have to be blood.  PD

Edited by Proud Dad

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So true, sometimes the family you choose can be better for you than the family you were born into.

Edited by Heidi n Q

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I still keep in contact with my adopted moms.  

PD, that is wonderful that you share your love with others.  I'm sure they appreciate it.  

I just kind of adopted a teen down the road.  He needs mentoring for his first horse.  Pay it forward...

Edited by little cow

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big hugs.  the people that make the victims of this kind of abuse guilty should be held accountable.    ánd when one looks at the forensic statistics, the perps are overwhelmingly men.    but who enables them? 

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I wrote a long letter to my abuser, with many details.  He read it Tuesday and responded in a very careful email yesterday.  He denies it.  Is he worried about me suing him?  Honestly, that isn't my goal.  An apology would suffice.  The good news is that his wife knows everything now.  She has been warned, in case anything is amiss in the future.

I also contacted the police for an opinion about whether or not he is a potential threat to children.  They are really listening and trying to help, which is surprising considering how long ago this happened.  

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WIthout an apology, I'm afraid my family will just have to accept the fact that I will not be speaking to my abuser in the future.  It took a lot to write that letter.  Denial is a slap in the face.  In the meantime, I feel much better for having confronted him.  I feel like I can move on and work towards forgiving him on my own.  Forgiveness is easier with reconciliation, which is what I hoped for, but it isn't necessary.  You can still forgive and love someone from a distance and wish them well, even if you cannot speak with them because of the pain it causes.  I will miss out on knowing my nieces, which makes me sad, but I cannot pretend for my mom's sake anymore. I am finished with that.  The truth is in the light now.  

My dad knows about the letter because my brother called him.  He is very supportive of me and got my brother to admit to him about the movies (since my dad knew about that from my friend's mom).  BUt no apology.  Perhaps abusers forget these things?  I do wonder.  COuld it be the heavy drug use in the in between years that made him forget? 

My mom doesn't know about the letter.  I have no intention of telling her, but I feel quite distant from her now and I don't think that will change.  I told my husband I do not want her to stay with us in the future, if she ever decides to visit.  I need a separation.  She is a charming stranger when she is here, but that's all she is to me.  I gave her a chance to do the right thing when I told her about the abuse years ago.  She lacks the empathy to help.  If my brother tells her about the letter, than I'm sure there will be a break between my mom and I as well. 

A break in the family is tough, but sometimes necessary for good mental health.  

Edited by little cow

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To start with, your brother did not forget the abuse he put you through. He denied it because it is a way to manipulate you. By him asking about you reporting to the police is proof he didn't forget. He will try to make you the bad guy or look crazy! 

Turning your back on family is not a bad thing in this situation. I had to distance myself from my mother. I kept in touch by calling but I moved 2,000 miles away. She caused too much damage to me and I didn't want that in my life. 

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1 hour ago, little cow said:

I wrote a long letter to my abuser, with many details.  He read it Tuesday and responded in a very careful email yesterday.  He denies it.  Is he worried about me suing him?  Honestly, that isn't my goal.  An apology would suffice.  The good news is that his wife knows everything now.  She has been warned, in case anything is amiss in the future.

I also contacted the police for an opinion about whether or not he is a potential threat to children.  They are really listening and trying to help, which is surprising considering how long ago this happened.  

It sounds like you've done all you can. I hope you can find peace of mind now, after all you've been through, and move ahead  into your own future.

Edited by jubal

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It really does feel like it's over.  The support I have through my own family, friends, and our priest, has really let me move on to forgiveness and peace.  I wish reconciliation were possible.  Maybe someday.  But, I have peace for that scared little girl I once was.  My husband and I are happier with this behind us.    

Thanks, guys.  You've helped by being a sounding board.  :smile:

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LC,   After reading your posts, I hope you can truly put the past behind you & move forward, & have a great life with those that choose to be part of your family. Your brother has his own demons to deal with, just be glad he is out of your life, & that you have a very supportive husband. The one thing you have done is broken the cycle of abuse, & not let claim you as a victim.  Best Wishes. PD

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little cow, I applaud your bravery and your wish to find peace with the little girl that was abused.

 

that predator, however, who is your brother whom your mother enabled needs to be held accountable if you can find it within you "not to turn the other cheek" which maybe your priest is telling you.  I would go on record with the police--we have the shocking example of dr nassar whom 265 young women, world class gymnasts and medal winners,  all minorities, have accused of sexual predation, also in the presence of parents.   in the course of these proceedings and nassar's admission of guilt, many police officers have apologized for not believing the victims years after they reported these heinous transgressions. 

 

in the meantime, the institutions that enabled Nassar are being held accountable too.  time's up. 

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I appreciate your concern, Nick.  I am exploring other options best not mentioned here. 

Turning the other cheek was actually not mentioned by our priest.  They are much more tuned in to abuse because of the atrocities of some (no one is more disgusted than the good priests).  I was dismayed that this is bothering me so many years later and our priest used a good analogy.  He said abuse is like shattered glass.  It takes a long time to put the pieces back together.  So many things are affected by the break in trust and feeling unsafe as a child.  He's right.  It had a profound effect on how I saw the world and myself.  I will do everything that is appropriate and legal to prevent other victims.  

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I have to say I was pretty dismayed while reading through this how it devolved to "BUT WOMEN ABUSE TOO".  Yeah, they do, and that is WRONG.  They also abuse at a FAR lower rate than men, and saying "but women" each time a woman writes about her personal experience of being assaulted or harassed is a way of saying "your pain doesn't matter as much as a man's pain".  I know multiple women who have been violently raped, some of which are relatives.  EVERY woman I know has been harassed, some worse than others.  The men I know, some have been stalked, some were harassed.  Those things were wrong, and RARE compared to the bombardment that happens to women.  

I've personally stepped in to stop abuse from happening right out in the open, and the guy looked utterly shocked that anyone would dare step up to him and tell him what he was doing was wrong.  I can only imagine how many times he had done that with nobody saying a peep to him, because it's "normal" for a woman to be weeping in public while being berated by a man.  

 

Little Cow, I feel for you.  As I said, I have known women who were abused, some in very similar situation to yours.  It will affect you forever, but then again, all the good things in your life will also affect you forever.  What you're doing now is what's healthy for you, and distancing yourself from a toxic person is NOT being a "bad daughter", or any other nonsense.  Your mother failed you, as did your half brother, not once but throughout your life, and from what you've written that will not change.  You can't make them be better people, and immersing yourself in their fantasy version of the world is just a waste of your life and energy.  You gave fair warning to his wife, and what she does with that information is now on her.

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Quote

They also abuse at a FAR lower rate than men, and saying "but women" each time a woman writes about her personal experience of being assaulted or harassed is a way of saying "your pain doesn't matter as much as a man's pain".

As you keep insisting a man's pain doesn't count. Less often does NOT equal less painful. Why do you feel women are MORE equal than men? Both are human beings.

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Dude?  You're so **** bent on being RIGHT that you don't even realize that this is the first time I've posted in this forum.  How about you try re-reading what I wrote, where do I say that a woman abusing a man is a good thing?  In fact, I explicitly say it is BAD.  I put that disclaimer in there (not that I should need to, when doing horrible things to other people is quite clearly wrong) but I knew you'd latch onto that idea like a bulldog.  

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Oh do relax. Please note I haven't posted here for a while either and it is a collective "you". But you may feel insulted and singled out if it makes you happy.

 

You might also note, while you are playing holier-than-thou, that I did not call you "chickie", or any other equally insulting thing, so don't you think the "dude" thing was a bit ruder than necessary?

Edited by noponies

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I can't call chicks dudes either?  Get with the times, dude is gender neutral.  

But lemme get this straight, I say something, you overreact to it because you thought I was someone I wasn't, you backtrack and claim that wasn't the case when I point out your error.  Got it.

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I am not, nor ever have been a dude OR gender neutral, so yes, its an insult. And no, in your arrogance and double-standard flag waving, you do NOT "get it", as you say.

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You know, I would take your "being offended" more seriously if I didn't see you pulling that false offended feelings earlier in this thread.  

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I'm guessing you need to do some growing to understand what offends some people, dearie.

 

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